I, your humble narrator would like to take the time out of my busy schedule of following around Luca Arzegotti on the off chance that he does something other than get high all day or harassing Sebastian Duke, to introduce nay, reintroduce someone who made a huge impact not even two months ago when he debuted here in the XWF. His, its, name? Woody "THE" Table. Now, put your filthy fucking hands together and clap the ever loving fuckballs out of this warrior.

"Woah Mister Narrator, no need to use such-"

Harsh language? Seriously, stop saying that. I'm hyping you up for Christ's sake!

"But children watch this show! What kind of example would I be if my narrator was cursing so much?"

Let me get this through to you; you are a fucking table. If anyone looks up to you, they can probably count to firetruck.

"But firetruck isn't even a number!"

That's the, screw it. Back to the reintroduction.

We bring you live to XWF HQ, where we see Steve Sayors (who apparently escaped from the clutches of Jessie-ica Diaz off camera) standing in front of a green screen, standing beside him are the unofficial Three Muskateers of the XWF:

Team TLC.

Chair standing the closest to Sayors, and looking as uncomfortable as can be. Table in the middle, dressed in trademark suit. Ladder on the far right, looking as menacing as ever. Some things never change, do they?

"This is Steve Sayors, alongside the members of Team TLC! The only one to have made a real in ring debut, scratching the Tag Team match that no one watched anyway, the still undefeated TABLE!"

Woody looks humbled by the introduction he received from Sayors, well as humbled as someone without a face could be. Chair glances over at Woody with a "You're joking, right?" look on her seat. Ladder still stands there, unmoving, and intimidatingly.

"Thank you, thank you! It's such an honor to be looked upon with such respect! However, you can't take anything away from those who won that match, so I cannot accept the undefeated moniker. I still haven't been pinned or forced to submit!"

Sayors looks like he's about to jump out of his skin in excitement after hearing the Table speak, the sound of his voice sure enough able to make more women cum in their panties than a Peter Gilmour promo.

"Now, I'm sure you're well aware of the Rumble in Brooklyn for the right to challenge John Madison for the title of King of the XWF! Are you going to be entering this tournament?"

Woody begins to convulse for moment, and then stand himself up straighter. He clears his throat, in a gruff and angry tone. Could we be seeing the return of his alter ego, "THE" TABLE? I think yes, and the narrator never lies!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, OF COURSE I'M ENTERING, YOU FOOL! DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK ME?"

And with that, Steve Sayors has officially lost his shit. Seriously though, he's dry heaving and cowering, from a motherfucking table. The award for biggest pussy in the known universe? Steve Sayors, unless Satty pulls out an alien Sayors or some fuckery. That would be trippy as balls, yo.

"Okay! Now, can I run down the list of confirmed names and get your thoughts?"

"IF YOU MUST."

"Shocker?"

"WHO?"

"Jonny Rebel, who may or may not be competing."

"MAY OR MAY NOT? WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY! COME ON BITCH, FIGHT ME! I WILL FUCKING WRECK YOU, KIDDO!"

"Andrew Morrison."

"LET ME PUT IT BLUNTLY, I WILL RAPE HIS INTESTINES."

"John Black."

"TALK ABOUT TWERKING SOME MORE, YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH."

"Dwayne "The Midnight Meat Train" Johnson."

"HIM? I KIND OF LIKE. I WILL STILL FUCK HIM UP, JUST NOT AS MUCH."

"Juan Madison."

"FUCK MEXICO, IT'S THE POOR MAN'S CHINA. WHICH IN AND OF ITSELF IS PRETTY POOR TO BEGIN WITH, SO FUCK IT EVEN MORE."

"Jessie Diaz."

"MAYBE WHEN I'M DONE FUCKING YOU IN THE RING, I CAN FUCK YOU OUT OF THE RING, BITCH."

"Shawn Steele."

"KILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILL."

"Mister Radio."

"RADIO? RADIOS HAVE OPPRESSED THE TABLE FOR MILLENNIA! I WILL FUCK HIS SHIT UP ALL OVER THE DAMN RUMBLE!"

"Waldo"

"IN THE WALL, HE'LL GO!"

"Caliban."

"ANY RELATION TO THE TALIBAN? THEN I WOULD PROBABLY LIKE HIM A LITTLE BIT."

"Red X."

"I'LL PAINT ALL OF THE ALPHABET RED WITH HIS BLOOD!"

"Mister Satellite."

"HE SUPPORTS THE TABLE, SO HE'S COOL."

"Sokolov Red."

"I'LL REPEAT THE SAME COMMENT AGAINST RED X, EXCEPT WITH HIS HOMELAND OF COMMIE TOWN."

"Peter Gilmour."

"THAT FAT FUCK CAN'T HOLD A CANDLE TO MY ABILITIES! HE WILL SOON LEARN THAT WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE TABLE, YOU GET SOME FORM OF BODILY INJURY THAT'S A PUN ON THE FACT THAT I AM INDEED A FUCKING TABLE. GET OVER IT, LADIES AND FUCKWADS."

"Mister Natural."

"FUCK HIM."

"LJ The Savior."

"YOU CAN'T SAVE YOURSELF FROM ME!"

"Ultimate Mystery."

"THE ONLY MYSTERY WILL BE WHERE HIS BODY WILL BE AFTER I FUCKING RIP OUT HIS ASSHOLE AND STRANGLE HIM WITH IT."

"Lastly, Swift Ion."

"FUCK. SAVE THE WORST FOR LAST, WILL YA? FINE, SWIFTY? REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FUCKING MATCH, AND YOU GOT YOURSELF SUSPENDED LIKE A PUSSY INSTEAD OF FACING ME IN THAT RING, MAN TO TABLE? I DO, AND I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOUR THREAT OF SHREDDING MY NINETY PERCENT WOODEN ASS! YOU EVEN HAD A FUCKING PARTNER, AND YOU STILL BAILED OUT LIKE THE LITTLE FUCKING PUSSY BITCH CUNT WHORE YOU ARE. SO YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP ON MONDAY, AND THEN I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN WHEN WE HAVE OUR ONE ON ONE MATCH. I WILL MURDER YOU, YOU NO GOOD PIECE OF SHIT. I WILL PERSONALLY, FUCK EVERY SINGLE MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY IN THE ASSHOLE IF YOU SO MUCH AS THINK ABOUT FUCKING DUCKING ME AGAIN. YOUR MOVE, BEYOTCH."

"That's all the time we have!"

With that, Steve tries not to piss himself as the scene fades to black.

Who wouldn't want a ghost prostitute? - Mr. Satellite

Being offended is no reason to cheat - Archie Lawson