Battered and deep fried chunks of brain. Um... yes please. That's what I'm eating, while sitting on the sofa and watching tv. When I hear my kitchen window slide open and someone climbs inside. From there, I hear the fridge open, after which it sounds like a bit of rooting around, shuffling and clinking. None of these noises give me a single cause for alarm. I know exactly what's happening and who's doing it. Without rising from my position on the sofa or even turning my head in the direction of the kitchen, I holler out...


"Grab me one too!"


There is no response but I hear a bit more clinking before the fridge eventually slams shut. Footsteps then proceed to lead from kitchen, to living room, to sofa, before two bottles of beer are set on the coffee table and my friend Harper, drops down on the sofa next to me.


"Thank you kindly ma'am."


I smile, pick up the bottle, twist it open and take a healthy swallow, promptly setting it back in its place on the table.


"Night of the Living Dead. Shouldn't this be like a snuff film for you?"


"More like a cautionary tale.


"Cautionary tale... I see, how exactly is this a cautionary tale for you?"


"Don't let myself become that starved out and feral. See, it's like one of those old propaganda films warning people about booze, drugs, homosexuality and the dangers of women thinking, except this is actually informative and entertaining, compared to being so bad that it's entertaining. Plus it's a classic. I like old school horror flicks."


Harper chuckles and takes a sip of her beer.


"Is your son or daughter listless, restless and acting erratic? Are they pale? Vacant eyed? And lurching about?"


"When you try and talk to them, do they only respond in moans, groans and grunts?"


"Do they generally seem disinterested with everything in the world, including the delicious home cooked meals that they used to adore?"


"If you try to engage them, do they lunge at you and try to physically attack? Acting like you're part of the main course?"


"Do they snarl, snap their teeth or try to bite, whilst seeming like they want to rip you apart, like some sort of savage, wild creature? Primarily attempting to destroy your skull, with no regard of themselves, anyone or thing around them?"


"Have their younger siblings gone missing and when they're discovered are they suddenly acting just like them?"


"If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions, then your son or daughter just may be..."


"A zombie."


Both Harper and I, look at each other and then burst out laughing.


"That was kind of magical right there."


"It was something alright."


"What did I ever do before you came into my life?"


"Spend a lot more time sleeping on the streets after getting locked out by Katie. Speaking of which, what did you do this time?"


I take a quick glance at my cell.


"It's only nine o'clock and you seem fairly sober."


"Actually nothing. I'm not locked out."


"Ah... nice."


"Katie decided to take some pottery workshop class."


"Huh? Interesting. Why aren't you with her?"


"Seriously? Okay. Realistically speaking here. Can you see me, making pottery?"


"I can picture you breaking pottery, does that count?"


"Precisely my point. These hands aren't meant for creation, they're for destruction."


"You must have some time of it in the bedroom."


"Oh you don't want to know what goes on in there."


"I'm sure I don't."


"You couldn't handle what goes on in there."


"Oh... I know I couldn't."


"Alright then."


"Okay."


"I'm glad that's settled."


"Me too."


"God you're such a fucking dork."


"I heart you too pookie."


"Your ass better never turn feral and vicious cause there's no way I'd ever be able to bash your brains in."


"Good to know."


"Yeah?"


"If I ever lose my job at the morgue, I'll make sure to hit up your place first."


"Dick."


This is when Harper finally notices the fried pieces of brain that I've been munching on sporadically throughout our banter. She goes to reach for one, I slap her hand, it's like part of our routine by now. Her trying to steal food, me having to smack her away, so she doesn't ingest brains. I've come to expect it, so much so that I don't even really have to pay attention anymore, I just know it's going to happen. I can sense it right before it does and stop it. Like a fucking Jedi master or some shit.


"Christ are you always eating brains?"


"Um.... hello, I'm a zombie. That's kinda my thing. Brain eating. Stops me from going feral and bringing forth the apocalypse."


"Right but you could occasionally eat normal food once and a while."


"I do that sometimes too."


"When you add brains to it."


"That's besides the point. The point is that I have regular human food in my fridge. Hey... I think the deep fryer might still be plugged in..."


"Hold up. You left your deep fryer plugged in and you just sat down and started watching a movie? Are you trying to start a fire?"


"It has an off switch. Anyway, I think the oil should still be good to use, cause it hasn't been that long since I used the thing."


"You're getting at what exactly?"


"Wanna look around in the fridge and find things to deep fry?"


"Absolutely. Like you have to ask. Wait. Will there be more beer involved?"


"Uh... yeah, duh."


"Then lead away sir."


Placing my hands on the back of the sofa, I do a back flip over it and land on my feet.


"Showoff."


We then head off towards my kitchen. These are the moments that I truly enjoy. The ones make me almost feel, dare I say... normal.




"Well Mastermind, the time draws near. Soon, you and I will come face to face, in the squared circle. When actions will speak louder than words and the world will feast their eyes upon man vs zombie. I am really looking forward to this fight. Ever since you told me that you were immune to zombies, I can't stop thinking about it. It's so freeing and liberating. I don't have to worry if I might lose control and the rage takes over. Honestly, I wish there were more moments like this but everyday can't be Christmas morning, right? Hey, maybe I'll get lucky and Vinnie Lane will hire some top notch scientist to develop a vaccine, for precautionary purposes. Then I can have free roam fun all the time."


"I know, that's wishful thinking in its finest, right there. He doesn't watch these promos, so it's not like he'll see this and it'll sway his thoughts. Pretty sure he doesn't even know that I'm employed as a wrestler here, actually... I'm fairly certain he thinks I'm the janitor. Every time I see him, he's always mentioning some sort of spill or garbage mishap, one time he even told me about his toilet being clogged. I never attend to the issues that he tells me about and yet, every time I see him it's the same thing. Without fail. He's the owner of this fine federation, you would think that he'd recognize me as the former Hart Champion or at least a wrestler, but no... he doesn't. Not at all like when Shane ran things. At least Shane would pat me on the head and hand me a potato when he saw me in the halls."


"Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling, so I'll hurry this along. Tomorrow night, you will not only bear witness to the fact that the dead do walk the earth but you'll also get to experience all the rage and fury that takes place, when you do battle with a full fledged member... off leash, so to speak. It will be more than simply a fierce battle or a test of strength, this is going to be a bloodbath in the pits of hell. Accompanied with all the torture and torment that you can possibly stand. And then some. Thanks to your previous confession, I know you can take it. I can unleash my worst and it'll be all gravy baby. That's basically what you gave me permission to do, which in hindsight, probably wasn't the best or brightest idea on your part. Cause believe me when I say, I will definitely take full advantage. I'm gonna go full on Evil Dead on your ass... minus the soul swallowing part. Then, when it's all over and done with, you might be a torn up, bloody mess, howling in agony but on the bright side, you'll be alive. I'm no murderer. I'll rip you to shreds but I won't kill you. I mean, I might be an abomination but I won't cross that line, at least... I hope I won't."

1x X-Treme Champ
1x Hart Champion
1x SOTM November 2018