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Blizzard · (09-01-2014)

I’m not one to reminisce but it’s come to my attention that not everyone has the money to buy XWF PPVs or the common sense to download them along with torrents of porno… So, let’s just recap what happened at Relentless. Yet again, Paul Heyman tried to get all up in Da Bliz’s shit but he couldn’t stop me from going on a tear and winning the tag team titles for The Za and myself. Sure, there was a double pin and technically there were two teams who “won” but anyone who saw that shit go down live know who the real tag team champions are. The real referee raised my hand and I took my tag title home with me to wear while I impregnated an Atlanta Southern Belle. In the near future, I will cement my tag team title reign and remove the asterisk from Kendall Sawyer and Azrael Erebus’ names when BlizZa takes their asses to school. I don’t care if the Heyman Alliance stands in my way, I’m starting to hit my stride in my XWF return and there’s no one who can stop a motivated Aidan Collins.

This week I face Zoey Ryback. I know what you’re all thinking, what an awful name for a wrestler that sounds like it was created by a girl in the third grade… a tween who was inspired by a Jamie Lynn Spears show and also a roided up dumbass with bad teeth who wears pajamas to the ring. I know, I agree… at least have the dignity to call yourself something like Clarissa Cesaro which shows that you have some semblance of taste.

Zoey is a Trios champion which I first thought meant that she was a connoisseur of double penetration but it turns out that she just got carried to a championship victory at Relentless by Loverboy and Clean Lucena. A threesome with those two wouldn’t make sense because they’re both repulsed by vag. I mean, maybe they could all do an elephant walk but I don’t think that would really count.

Zoey noted that we both seem to be the target of someone else. In my case, it’s Paul Heyman, while she’s being targeted by the likely transsexual and her own teammate, Loverboy. Of course, that’s an uneven comparison in the first place. I’m being targeted by someone who holds institutional power while she’s being bullied by a guy who wears pleather pants to the ring. She is getting roughed up by her peer while I’m being held down by the power to be. Making a comparison out of our situations is factually inaccurate. I’m like the Martin Luther King of the XWF, being held down by the man, and she’s like Ren Stevens getting bullied by her brother Louis. And yes, I tried to use terms that dingbat would understand. The point is that comparing her struggles to mine is definitely insulting because she’s totally ignoring the fact that there needs to be #JusticeForAidan. It’s American as sticking your dick in apple pie.

There’s also a complete difference in the reason why there is prejudice being levied against us. The reason why I’m hated against is because people are scared. They see me and realize that this whole façade of the current XWF around them is about to come crumbling down. I’m a threat that needs to be neutralized. Everything was nice and comfortable before Aidan Collins made his debut and the XWF as a whole wants to go back to the days where things were easy. I don’t make things easy for my fellow wrestlers, I make things hard. Like your clitoris when you look at my glutes, ya silly fucking sloot.

The reason you’re discriminated against, Zoey, is because you’re a sorry sack of shit that’s more annoying than Peter Gilmour’s voice singing the soundtrack of Frozen over a symphony of car alarms and wet farts. You’re someone who dresses like a high schooler, brings in ridiculous melodrama like a high schooler, and probably has the education of a middle schooler. You’re exactly the reason why Millennials are considered complete losers by the older generations. You act like the world revolves around you and whine any time something doesn’t go your own way. You don’t think ahead and “live in the moment” with the foresight of someone who just got hit in the head with a golf ball (“fore sight”, I’m fucking clever, yadda yadda). You take ninety selfies of yourself a day in your bathroom, thinking that you look cool, when in reality you’re just showcasing to the world where you take your dumps and pull out your tampons. Loverboy is doing what’s just, someone should give him a goddamn medal. Hopefully he paralyzes you in the near future and we don’t have to endure your bullshit any longer.

Do not compare Aidan Collins, all-time XWF great, to Zoey Ryback, whiny mallrat. I have the taste of a patrician and Olympic-level athletic capabilities. You listen to music written for 12 year olds and look to have the strength of one of those African kids you see in those ‘quarter a day’ commercials. Comparing yourself to me is not only an insult to myself but it’s also an insult to the English language because that’s probably the worst comparison a human being has ever made in the history of mankind. You belong on some MTV soap opera, not across the ring from a certifiable legend like myself. Did you know that Will Smith wrote me an apology email for starring in “I Am Legend”? He knew when he was overstepping his bounds, he knew who the fucking legend was… when are you going to know your place?

With that said…

Do you want me to make you pregnant in the ring on this Monday? I’m sure those scene kids you’ve been giving bathroom handies at Atreyu concerts lack the dick girth to really pleasure you should they decide to “dip” or whatever you youngsters call pussy fucking these days. I’ll break your second hymen and flood your insides with the highest quality love juice known to man, should you want it. I’ll even do it for the whole world to see, there’s nothing shameful in sex for me. In fact, it just makes me look cool. I’ve got more sex moves than Baskin Robbins has ice cream flavors.

If you’d rather give it a go and try to beat me in the ring, be my guest, but it’s just going to result in you getting thrown around like the stiff-as-a-brick cumsock that Barney Green keeps underneath his bed. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m an ardent feminist and that means that I will not let up in athletic competition against a female. If I kick some teeth out of your mouth or if I rocket my foot so far up your vag that I hit your ribs, I’m doing it because I’m a modern Susan B. Anthony. I’ll also be laughing the entire time, not because I’m misogynist and women in pain is hilarious to me, but because I know that I’ll be doing more for women than women can. Cunt punts for equality is something that would get Oprah doing the fucking Cabbage Patch dance and Ruth Bader Ginsberg doing the worm while all of NOW holds a wet t-shirt contest in my honor.

I think that even you realize how fucked you are this Monday (I guess that has two meanings considering your ‘right to choose’ to be boned but whatever)… The way you ended your promo, while the truth, didn’t broadcast much confidence in your own abilities. You were correct, you are definitely not my main threat, not even close. You lack the technical competence as a wrestler to even challenge me in the squared circle. I don’t know why you’d proclaim that to the world, though. Have you ever heard the phrase “fake it until you make it”? Pretend like your Rose Smith ‘having an orgasm’ for Peter Gilmour… Have some goddamn confidence in yourself even if you know that the chances of you achieving victory are less than the chances of Darren Dangerous being able to see his own penis over his stomach. That way, you’ll at least save face for the fans after I Ice Pick you into two.

Where you were completely wrong was in your prediction that I need to watch out for my enemies. I have the ability to adapt to my surroundings and that was evident at Relentless. I was giving out concussions like Maria Brinks gives out AIDS. Paul Heyman tried to screw me yet again and I speared that son of a bitch so hard that a deep fried Snickers bar was launched out of his gullet and hit some redneck in the audience square in the nuts. If the Heyman Alliance tries to get all up in my shit, and I expect them to, I’m just going to dish out punishment like only Aidan Collins can. That first week, when I had Heyman screw me out of a Universal Title match, was a lesson that I learned and will not forget. I don’t need to be reminded by someone who looks like they get finger banged in Hot Topic’s changing room, Zoey. The days when I thought fairness in competition would be upheld are long gone. I’m ready for war and I’m ready for whatever Paul Heyman will try to throw at me.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be distracted because, unlike you, I’ll have my complete focus on our match no matter what. I’m going to go Bachman-Turner Overdrive on your ass, take care of business, and worry about Heyman afterwards. If you don’t have all of your attention on me, it’s going to fuck any sort of chance that you have in beating me… not that you have a real chance anyway. You need to realize that I’m a much bigger threat than Loverboy is. Yeah, that weirdo might intervene in your matches but that girly piece of shit isn’t going to directly harm you before I will.

Once again, I’ve heard the rumblings of the boys in the back that Zoey is supposed to be the favorite in this match. I have to honestly ask if anyone saw me last week because maybe then I’d start to get some fucking respect. I can understand that you jackasses are intimidated by me but I’m going to start taking a running tally of the names talking shit and I’m going to start laying down the law personally. If you jerkoffs try to jump on the Blizzard bandwagon once I regain MY Universal Title, I’m going to kick you straight off like the dirty hobos that you are.

Hopefully defeating Zoey will result in Aidan Collins getting the respect that he deserves. I’m not saying that because I need all of your respect, I’m saying that because I’m a philanthropist that wants to see my common man get the best treatment. I will take personal note of anyone smart enough to respect me to reward in the future but anyone who steps in my way will burn with the rest of the XWF. I’m not sure where Zoey Ryback stands but I assume that after she hears this promo she’ll get all offended because she’s a child that I can play like a violin. Maybe she’ll call me a hypocrite, maybe she’ll call me an asshole… In the end, her words won’t matter because on Monday, whether she chooses to be fucked up or just fucked… she’ll be calling me one thing.

Master.

#JusticeForAidan
Truth Until Death

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