I've always wondered if people are born crazy or if they are just sorta driven to it. Ya know? Like, most people who are crazy have a reason for being crazy but was that crazy already there and it just took a pushing point to push them over the edge or was it that one thing that happened that changed them forever? I'm pretty sure there's an easy answer to that question but I always wonder because when I was younger my mother used to say that we were made in God's image and why would God make someone defective if we are in his image? Isn't he perfect? I asked her that once and she slapped me really hard. I asked my first doctor that too and he said there's a malfunction in the brain which would imply we're born with it, right?

Crazy, heh, I've been called crazy by a lot of people. Mentally unstable. Sick in the head. Strange. But all this time I never saw myself that way. I've always just been different. I know I'm not normal and I've never tried to be. Sometimes because I don't mind being different I end up in a mess of trouble. People don't understand. People don't want to understand. They want you to take this pill or go to that doctor and get fixed. I'm not broken so why do people say I need to be fixed? If you ask me normal people are the ones we should fear not people like me.

Ya know it's funny how a girl can have so many stories in her mind but not remember them all. It's weird that doctors think that by uncovering those stories it can make people better. If the brain really does block things as a way to save itself then why do doctors expect those stories to make anything better. Wouldn't it just make things worse? Anyway, it's not like she doesn't want to remember those memories, not like she doesn't try at times. Maybe it's because she needs a new way to hurt herself or maybe she's scared to forget more. She'd like to give you an answer to where it all went wrong or at least when it all went wrong in everyone else's eyes. I don't have an answer but I'm pretty sure it's your job to put the pieces together and fill me in any way.

That house was always so freaking loud that you couldn't even hear your own thoughts. Little kids needing a sugar fix every twenty minutes and adults who didn't care. There was so much screaming, crying, laughing, and yelling. But kids will be kids won't they? Six little crotch goblins were always running around that house but then a seventh little child was added to the household.

She was quiet, much more quiet than the other kids. Afterall she grew up that way; sitting in church pews and listening to adults talk. She was raised not to speak unless spoken to and that was her golden rule. She was also anxious around the other kids. They made her anxious. They made her want to shove q-tips all the way in her ears until they bled and she didn't have to hear the noises they made anymore. While she barely talked all they could do was scream.

She was different.

And because of that she was outcasted.

It's not easy growing up with six other kids who want nothing to do with you because you're weird. It's not easy to be told the only reason you had a roof over your head was because you were stupid and crazy and your foster parents got more money for you than the others. It's not easy waking up every morning in a war zone where you have to duck and cover all the time and fight for a meal. It wasn't easy but I got through it. In my own way.

I was always curious about everything so I read a lot and listened to a lot of music growing up in that house. I had a lot of time to myself and there was a lot of time I wasn't at the house. My doctor thought this foster family was just the thing I needed to be normal but it wasn't. No one really listened to me then. Well, until things got bad.

There was a lot of blood but the feeling of pain was barely there. She had numbness that just overtook everything. Feeling anything at all was hard and you know part of the reason had to be because of the seven medications she was on. It was an honest mistake. She didn't know the trouble it would cause. She just wanted to see how her muscles worked.

Kalel, was this right before you were admitted to another psychiatric hospital?

Yes, they said it was a suicide attempt but it wasn't. I really just wanted to see how my muscles worked. I read so many books but you can't learn from just reading. You also have to do.

You sliced your arm open vertically and pulled back your skin at the age of Sixteen. You scared and worried a lot of people Kalel including your foster parents.

Heh, they didn't worry about anyone but themselves. Did you know that before they became foster parents they were struggling to pay for their house? I did. They were about to lose everything before the first foster child came in but instead of getting out of the hole they kept buying this and taking on more kids.

Your foster mother stayed by your bed every night Kalel.

It was fake. It was all fake. They knew how and when to smile but all I saw were frowns. I saw through it all while everyone else turned a blind eye. The other kids had it easy. They could take care of themselves. After I got home from the hospital they treated me like I couldn't. Not anymore they'd say. Stay in your room and we'll bring you food they'd say. If you don't stop acting out we'll take you back they'd say!

Kalel-

No more time outside. No more time with the other kids. I was ostracised! I was separated and discriminated against. I was locked in that bedroom for hours with no food, they never brought food! Do you know what it's like to feel your body breaking down because you weren't given food or water? I only acted out because I wouldn't have survived! I was crazy! Insane! Unreliable! Noone fucking listened to me! No one paid attention to me! They lied. They said I was refusing to eat. They lied. They said I was harming myself again when I was getting abused by the other kids and our caregivers promoted it! They lied. They said I wasn't take my meds. They lied. They lied. They lied and lied and lied and lied!

Kalel I think it's best if we move on-

But when I finally reached my breaking point. When I was tired of being the victim. The moment I became the villain. Everyone paid attention then. Everyone was worried then.

~Memory~

"I don't wanna- I DON'T WANNA GO! NO! PLEASE!! NO!"

"What did I tell you last time? I told you if you don't behave we will make you behave."

"I don't want to please no! NOT THERE! NO!"

~~~

It wasn't the first time that door closed behind the little girl but it would be the last. There were so many mirrors and no sound. It was a simple closet until one day it wasn't. One day it became a different world to her. Hallucinations were almost natural in that closet when they took away her medication. It was her own twisted wonderland that day.

~Memory~

"I'll be good, please just don't put me in there. I don't want to hear them!"

"Next time you won't take what doesn't belong to you will you?"

"I won't I swear! I was just so hungry and Abrey said she was finished I just wanted some-"

~~~

Food was her breaking point. Can you believe that? She started eating her nails and scabs. Fucking disgusting. She didn't have to after that one single day. All it took was one day.

Kalel, what happened in the closet?

They said she refused her medication and all this was by her own doing. Everyone believed because who belives a sick girl? A broken girl? Nightmares. God. She saw it all in that room as soon as the door closed.

~Memory~

"NO! I CAN'T STAY IN HERE! PLEASE! THEY'LL KILL ME! PLEASE"

"No one will harm you, child. I won't let them."

"M-Mom?"

"Not your mother."

"Demon! DEMON!"

"Shhhhh it's ok daughter. Remember what I say, all good things come to those who believe in the almighty. He will not abandon you in times of need. You're his child and all of God's children are protected by his hand."

"No god here."

"Mommy?"

"Come child."

~~~

Her face was comforting and so was her voice. It was the evil that the girl was used to. It was a comforting evil. It was also the worst evil.

~Memory~

"I'm so sorry mommy. I thought you wanted to be with dad and I didn't know what else to do. You were so sad and I just wanted to make you happy."

"Oh but I am happy."

"Are- Are you sure?"

"Of course."

"Trust."

"Where is dad?"

"Come here and we'll go together."

"Where?"

"To your father silly. He's waiting for us."

"How?"

"Break the mirror and use the glass."

"No."

"But what if it hurts?"

"It will but not for long."

"Long."

~~~

Kalel, you said there were mirrors? Why?

How should I know? Maybe they wanted her to do it. Maybe they were waiting for the day she actually followed through so they could blame it on her mental illness. Maybe they thought she hated herself and forced her to look at the thing she hated most. Little did they know it would backfire.

~Memory~

"I want to come home mommy. I don't like it here."

"You know how."

"Yes."

"Mommys home."

"Mommys gone."

~~~

There was a lot of blood and as she laid there dying wrapped in her mother's arms things seemed to change. Her eyes were closing even when she forced them open. Her blood was warm but her body was losing heat. She almost gave in but then she changed. Mother's face was rotting, blood gushed from open sores and her teeth began to fall out. Her skin was pulled from her bone as the girl tried to fight. She screamed. Pleaded for someone to save her.

~Memory~

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!! PLEASE!"

"What's wrong Kitten? Don't want to join me in hell? Heh, you took me there. Having you as a bastard baby put me here! YOU KILLED ME KALLELLY!"

"NO! HELP!"

"No one is going to help you child. No one cares about you. You're crazy remember? Batshit insane. No one believes a word that comes out of your mouth and you have no one to blame but yourself for it."

"PLEASE!"

"Where's mommy's little girl? Hahaha."

~~~

Can you remember what happened next Kalel?

She- I- I broke the door handle using one of the mirrors. I was covered in glass and all the little pieces in my shirt and pants kept cutting me. I was crying a lot and there was a voice that kept talking to me as I ran into the kitchen.

What did the voice tell you?

I- I can't remember. It was so loud and I really wanted it to stop. I- oh god I hurt Timothy. I stabbed him I remember him laying on the grass outside and all the screaming and yelling. I- I think I had a panic attack then woke up at the hospital again. Did- Did I kill him?

No Kalel, can you remember anything else?

I- I don't want to. Not anymore. I don't want to remember what happened. I hurt- I hurt-

Kalel, breath. Practice the breathing exercises.

Did I kill anyone?

No, you didn't. You took back control and proved that even without medication you can have control. I think that was good enough for today I don't want you to overexert yourself. I do want to continue these sessions every Monday from here on out. If you can continue to remember I think we can really break some ground and possibly make life a little easier for you to live. I'm proud of your progress.