Why do people start in the darkest part of their life to tell a story? Why not start from the start?



Ok, maybe that's a little too far and I don't even remember those days anyway. To be totally honest I don't remember a lot of days actually. When I was younger I was told the reason I can't remember is that my brain wanted to forget. That's a scary thought, isn't it? Your brain can just delete things without your permission and what if I wanted to remember those things? What if they were important but my brain just chooses to yeet that shit right out of my head. Stupid brain.

Anyway-

I'd like to think I grew up the way any girl should. A room full of toys and a mother who loved her daughter more than life itself! Mother- I wonder what happened to her after I left. I couldn't stay with her anymore and I know it made her sad. This story is boring isn't it? Maybe that's why no one starts from the beginning. Ok, I'll tell another story then.

The night was dark but not so dark that you couldn't see the moon or stars. The house was dark aside from the windows that let in the light from the moon acting like night lights through the two-story house. It was really quiet, more quiet than usual since everyone was asleep and it was only nine o'clock. Mother was in her room across the hall with the blankets pulled nice and tightly around her. It was kind of cold so it wasn't unusual for the heat turning on to break the silence throughout the night.

The heater turned on and air blew out of the little vent in the floor to make the room more comfortable. It didn't bother mother, she stayed sleeping in her bed not even flinching. The floorboards creaked now and then but that was normal of the fifty-year-old house, it was just settling. The only other sound was the cat that meows from outside? This family didn't have a cat.

A little girl, eight or nine I think, sat up in her pink sheeted bed and looked around. The tree outside of the window slid against the glass making a scratchy noise. It must have been the thing to wake her. She was about to go back to sleep before her lips stuck together from her mouth being to dry so she scooted over to the edge of the bed and dropped down on the ground, walked into the hallway, then downstairs to the kitchen where she was able to moisten her mouth with a cool glass of water from the fridge. She closed the fridge door then noticed the cat sitting on the back of the couch. It meowed at her and she thought it was just a dream so she walked back up the stairs. She had a lot of dreams about cats and mother always told her she was special because she could walk while dreaming. Pretty fucking neat right?

Upstairs her mother's bedroom door was wide open when she went down the stairs. Then when she went back up to lay down in her bed mother's door was closed and locked tight. It took a lot of budging and I mean a lot but she got the door open and behind it was a bloody wonderland. The little girl walked into her mother's bedroom which was stained with crimson red. Parts of her mother laid on the bed and other parts were on the ground.

Kalel it seems as though you are recalling something you've already talked about in a previous session.

Yes.

Kalel do you remember what you said during that session?

Yes. The cat told me I had to kill my mother and that's what I did so she could be with my dad. At that time I thought my father was God because my mother told me I was an angel and angels come from heaven where God lives. She said he was my father and I was the best gift he gave her. I thought my mother was sad she couldn't see him but she would read letters from him every night before we both went to bed.

You mean a bible. She read you a bible.

Yes. A Bible. That was also around the time I thought he was talking to me. There was also a woman.

~~Memory~~
"Do you know who your father is Kalel?"

"God."

"God is your father?"

"Mother told me I was an angel and angels come from heaven where God lives. She said he was my father and I was the bestest gift he could have ever given her. I think mother is sad she never gets to see daddy. She loves him a lot and she has a big book of letters from him that she reads to me every night before we go to bed. I hear him sometimes."

"What does he tell you Kalel?"

"He misses mother but knows she won't see him so he wants me to help him get her back. He also tells me he wants to see me and hold me like he did in heaven."

"Did he tell you how you and your mother are going to be able to see him?"

"He said I needed to make mother sleep for a really long time so she can dream of him like I do. He told me to listen to the women in the closet because she could tell me how to see him again."

"Who is the woman in the closet Kalel?"

"I don't know her name but she floats in the air a lot and makes funny faces like this-- She told me once that if I wanted to see daddy, I had to play a game with her."

"What was this game Kalel?"

"She told me not to tell."

"Did she tell you to hurt yourself Kalel?"
~~~~~

Kalel, where did you go?

Nowhere.

Do we need to talk about disassociation again?

I didn't disassociation! I was thinking.

Okay. What about now, do you believe God is your father now?

I don't belive in a God.

What about the women, do you see her anymore?

No. It's been a really long time since I've seen her. Not since I started taking medication.

Do you remeber why you started going to therapy?

~~Memory~~

"The home remedies aren't working Ms. Watson, Kalel needs to be put on medication before she harms herself or someone else and if you are not willing to work with me I will call CPS."

"She doesn't need medication! Nothing is wrong with her besides the dreams she has that's it!"

"She believes her father is God Ms.Watson."

"She's young, she doesn't understand it when I tell her she is God's child."

"She is nine years old Ms.Watson, she is no longer a child and should understand the difference. If you refuse to give her the medication I am prescribing she will be taken from you and checked in so we can be sure she is receiving proper care."

"No, I won't allow it."

"She is talking about killing you and herself so she can see her father Ms.Watson, that is cause for concern. She hears voices and sees hallucinations that are not there. Unless you have been coaching her I believe she has schizophrenia and possibly dissociative identity disorder. She needs to be medicated and therapy needs to continue."

"I want a second opinion. Nothing is wrong with my daughter, the only reason we came to you was that--"

"She injured a young man on the block on purpose and said he had a demon inside of him. She tried to extract the demon by looking at him and it didn't work so she said she had to kill him. Ms.Watson, do you not see how serious this has been?"

~~~~~

Kalel?

I hurt someone badly because I saw a different face that wasn't their face.

Did the same thing happen two months ago when you attacked another patient?

No. Luther took my pudding cup after I told him I was going to eat it and it made me mad.

You stabbed him with a plastic fork Kalel.

He had it coming but now I know that it was wrong and I'll never do it again.

What about your previous psychiatrist? You jumped on her desk and knocked her over in her seat.

She was saying mean things.

What mean things did she say?

She said she wouldn't release me because I wasn't better.

Do you believe you're better.

Yes.

Kalel you said before that you wonder what you're mother did after you left. Do you remember what happened to your mother?.

That was a slip of the tongue. My mother's dead and has been since I was 14.

Can you recall your mothers death?

The little girl never got the meds she needed and her therapy stopped. Mother said the best medicine was to pray and told her to pray more and God would fix things. She and her mother moved to a new house inside the states. She wasn't allowed outside of the house unless her mother was with her and started to show signs of separation anxiety whenever her mother wasn't around. The voices became louder, the hallucinations more real, and once she finally had enough she tried to kill her mother to stop them. After that, she was strapped to her bed every night by her mother right before she would read a verse from the bible and tell her she loved her.

Five years later she killed her mother. She didn't feel sorry about it she laughed and smiled looking at her mother's body. The girl looked horrible with deep sunken eyes and a pale glow that lit up her skin that barely clung to her bones. She was malnourished from weeks of being starved. A priest came and he and her mother tried to do an exorcism on her using holy water because mother said she was talking to the devil, not god. She had enough.

~~Memory~~

"You've been a bad girl!"



"I'm sorry...Please...How do I fix this daddy?"

"Kill her."

~~~~~

She slipped out of the holdings and walked into the kitchen, pulled out a large butcher knife from the knife rack, walked down the hallway, opened her mothers door, and found mother sitting on the bed reading her bible.

~~Memory~~

"Shhhh mother."

"HELP!"

"Mother, please be quiet. I just want you to see daddy again because he really misses you and I just want you both to be happy."

"Now, just go to sleep and when you wake up daddy will be there. Daddy doesn't want me to go so I'm going to have to stay here but you'll be ok mother. When you see daddy tell him I say "Hi," ok?"
~~~~~

She held mother down while she screamed then stabbed her in the artery.

Kalel are you aware when you talk about what happened you talk as if you are telling someone else's story?

Oh yes I knew that because aren't I?

What do you mean Kalel?

After the police came I said I did it. I said I left her rotting in our house for two years until someone called about the smell. I said I killed her and explained why. They didn't question me really because my story added up. There was no break-in and the house looked like a torture playground. I went to a psychiatric hospital sorta like this one but they released me after giving me pills and therapy. I even started going to public school after I was released.

That doesn't explain-

Let me finish. I said those things because it was what I believed at the time. I couldn't tell reality from a hallucination so you tell me Doc do you think a 14-year-old girl who was extremely underweight would be able to hold her mother down and kill her?

So what you're saying is you didn't kill your mother?

No. I didn't kill mother.

And how did you come to this conclusion?

I guess therapy is really working.

Kalel, am I talking with Ms.Watson or Ms.Drake.

Does it matter?

Yes it does. Ms.Watson is honest with her answers because she is you. Ms.Drake was manifested in order to protect Ms.Watson and will do anything to keep her safe including using manipulation tactics and even lying.

Yes it's Drake but I'm being honest. I've worked this program for the last nine almost ten months and I just want to get out of here and on with my life.

Well, it is a good sign you can remember things as far back as 14 years ago and you have been participating in your groups. I have seen a lot of improvement but before I decide anything I need to ask you one more thing.

Shoot.

What caused your last break?

I broke up with Rea my girlfriend. I was only staying on the meds and going to therapy for her so when she left me I didn't see a reason to keep going with them. Besides, they affected me in the ring and I didn't want to lose my career because of fucking pills.

Do you plan to go back to wrestling?

Yes.

What is to stop this from happening again and you seriously hurting yourself or someone else?

Like I said I changed in here. I'm also not alone when I get out of here. I have help.

You're referring to your wrestling partner.

Friend. And yes.

Well Kalel as long as you take your medication and continue therapy you should be fine to leave. I'm glad you did improve and we solved some of the underlying problems that have caused some of the turmoil in your life. You can leave this afternoon after I finish the paperwork.

Thank you.

And don't forget what I always say-

Therapy is necessary.

Good thing I can still lie through my teeth and people belive every word I say.