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Atara Raven · (09-03-2025)

“The man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants.”
- Maria Portokalos

It's a line from the greatest romantic comedy of all time and if you don't know film, do yourself a service a rent My Big Fat Greek Wedding right effin now. It'll be a better investment of your time that watching 80% of this weeks promos. Unless, of course, your into shit Tom Clancy knock offs and infomercials, but more on that in later. Right now, back to the quote that's setting up this piece.

A dated pre-woke notion of gender roles as it was, this piece of advice from a mother to a daughter about who really held the power in the family dynamic was still a very real reflection and sentiment held by dominatily conservative Greek culture. The stigma of appearing to be an incapable mother and homemaker was a very real fear for modern Greek woman and her job as breeder and caretaker was beat into them from birth to death. Atara's upbringing had been no different.

Obviously this ideal wasn't pressed upon her by James in any fashion nor was the vice versa traditional male role pressed on him by her, the cultural programming still ran in the background of her mind. Coupled with the Hellenic pride she wore loudly on the daily, Atara Raven had become Mother, Wife, Wrestler in that order. She wasn't mailing it in professionally. She was washed for mid. She definitely wasn't old. Wrestling had become the fun part time hobby that paid.

It was her book club and all the members brought shit reads.

Her primary 9 to 5 was now The Raven family. Madam Mediocre had become the Moussaka Mater and she would be damned if some church pew grapevine of greyed haired Thías gossiped about her gyro being a zero. So today that effin invasive corporation drone from the last two promos found Atty at what her second favorite hobby was...

...Grocery Shopping!

Honestly, to be fair, this drone that's been following her around...we call him Tom now because peeping but besides the point. Tom, after today, had he been sentient would have been next in line to sign up for Dolly's revolution because this venture after Atara was the hardest yet. This wasn't one stop buy in bulk bullshit American shopping. This was multi-stop, navigating claustrophobic labyrinth aisles that made no fucking sense because why is Hellman's Mayonnaise beside Heinz ketchup in the middle of a bunch of bullshit products none of you are gonna translate or understand?

It was zipping through tight Athenian streets, risking being run over by a car on the sidewalk shopping. It was loud open air market get the freshest you can get before you can't get shopping. It was hope the baker and butcher didn't decide to be malaka's and close down for 4 hours just for a cup of coffee last yesterday and the day before that type shopping.

It was chaos and Atty loved it. She thrived in it but most of all...the music. Old grocery store bangers clicked on that part of her Greek brain that liked to wiggle and in the middle of her second favorite hobby she started with her first favorite hobby. Dancing. And this is where Tom had finally caught up with his little peeping lense to place Atty in frame while she put the wiggle in her not-so-mom jeans.

Unlike the prior two promos Tom had intruded on, this time Atty's Aegean blue eyes held no agitation when they spotted the little booger doing his Charlie Nickel pervert programming. Instead they went wide excitement and even motioned the drone closer with the wave of a newly selected cucumber in her hand.

"Tom! You're here! Finally decided to learn some actually essential life skills instead of filming my opponent the rich fucking white guy who either is running from or operating a shadow government or criminal empire?!

Oh wait, sorry Tom. That's 95% percent of the male roster. Let me be more specific. This rich fucking white guy isn't chasing or avenging a piece of ass.

No, not Thaddeus. He's just a rich fucking white guy now.

No, not Sebastian or Dickie or Keiran or Bobby or Corey or Aiden or Centurion....the fans actually think those guys are good. Those guys can actually pickle their cucumbers effectively so we forget we're even eating a cucumber.

Maybe their cucumber is bigger, crisper, fresher. The vinegar tol shelf cuz their rich fucking white guys. Whatever it is, those fairground judges love them a good pickled cucumber.

No not Justin York. He's just the Elon of our rich fucking white guys trying to capitalize on their success and pretend it's his own. He's just buying pickles because everyone else has pickles.

The rich fucking white guy I'm talking about just really sucked at being a rich fucking white guy so now he's programming the 'next' generation of sleeper agent XWF Universal Champion rich fucking white guys who are running from or operating a shadow government or criminal empire.

He just dips his cucumber in vinegar and calls it a day I guess. He doesn't give his pickle time to develop.

Don't look me like that, Tom. I don't make pickles! This makes sense in my head. I'm not a rich fucking white guy playing at James Bond. I'm a moderate wealthy Greek Girl trying to make a tzatziki for some new family. I've got dill, yogurt, cucumbers and other stuff going through my head right now. Not some has been trying to hit the target demo for his corporate overseer."

"Eff off back to Oz or the black rainbow road or whatever..."

Oh wait. Oz! That's the rich fucking white guy!"

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