That absolutely CRUSHES “Always Composed” Pete Rose in the FACE! He crumples to the floor like a wacky waving inflatable tube man after you’ve turned off the air!
”Oh my g-g-g-goodness!”
”YEEEEEEEEEEEAH! HERE WE ARE NOW! ENTERT-*braaaaaaaap*”
Frances Marigold stumbles into the camera frame, wielding his trademark jasmine acoustic guitar like a caveman would wield a club.
He grips Borden by the collar, lifting him off his feet.
”Time boy!”
Jake wriggles out of Frances’ grip, dropping into a fighting stance!
”Wh-wh-whoa, Mister! You just kn-kn-knocked my p-p-pal, P-P-Pete, into n-n-next month! Wh-wh-what’s your b-b-business with me!”
Frances swats Jake’s hands down, so they’re not lifted combatively!
”I come… As a friend… As a friend…”
”As a… f-f-friend? W-w-well, a fr-fr-friend sure woul-”
”Hold on, wait… As a friiiiiiiiiend…” Frances briefly raises his guitar and starts to pluck it… Apparently getting it in tune with his gravelly rocker voice. ”As a friiiiiiiend…” Having found the note (or close enough) Frances smiles as his arms droop to his sides… Letting his guitar heavily SMACK against the floor.
”Thereitisyissssssssssss…”
…Frances’ eyes seem to drift into the middle distance, leaning on his axe in a state of placid stupor.
…
Jake cautiously waves a hand in front of Frances’ face.
”Uh… M-M-Mister? It o-o-occurs to me we h-h-haven’t been f-f-formally introd-d-duced… M-m-maybe we should start by e-e-exchanging p-p-pleasantries.”
Jake politely extends his hand.
”M-m-my name is J-J-Jake Borden! And I a-”
…Frances raises a finger…
”I am…”
…
”FOREVER in debt.”
…
”Uh… w-w-well, a fr-fr-friend of mine w-w-works at the b-b-ank… M-m-maybe he could adjust your l–l-loan ter-”
”To your priiiiiiceless adviiiiiiiceHEY.”
”W-w-what?”
”WAIT. I GOT A… *belch*... I got me a car and it seats… about… twenty…”
…
Frances grabs Jake by the collar again.
”I need an easy friend. You got a portal to the past?”
”...Uh… you m-m-mean my time l-l-locker?” Jake scratches his head, nervous to give access to the timestream to this… relative stranger… ”I… I r-r-really am s-s-supposed to be c-c-careful with letting a-a-anyone access the a-a-ability to alter the fl-fl-flow of t-t-t-time…”
In one fell swoop, Frances scoops Jake over his shoulder… Wielding the guitar over his other shoulder…
”Wake me up with… indeci… indeeeeeeee…” Jake’s eyes again droop…
WHAM! He smacks himself in the face.
”I GOT A NEW COMPLAINT!”
Frances heads for Jake’s locker.
Jake marvels at Marigold’s strength, the Cavortin’s one head hanging beside Marigold’s buttocks.
”B-b-boy, to lift me, you m-m-must r-r-really t-t-take care of y-y-yourself, m-m-mister!”
1986 SOMEWHERE, FLORIDA
J-j-j-jeez, F-f-fr-Frankie! Is th-th-th-th-tha-THAT YOU?
2025 Frances Marigold, and 2025 Jake Borden (Who is also 1970-something Jake Borden) are standing off in the shadows of a dive bar, observing 1986 Frances Marigold.
He’s young, and lean, and solid muscle. His hair is bleached, his clothes black, and grimey, and tight fitting, and torn. And if the eyebrow piercings, and the nail polish, and the Misfits tattoo on his massive shoulder, and everything else, weren’t enough of an indication, perhaps the rail of cocaine he just snorted up his nostril from an empty table could tell us that 1986 Frances Marigold was truly a man of his time.
Hmmm…
LIIIIIKE A ROCK!
‘86 Marigold flings himself upright and slams his fist on the table.
...that’s me alright.
But he’s certainly not a man of this setting. This crusty, depressing dive bar, with chipped black tint on its windows letting a sliver of smoky light through from the outside, shining a light as dim as the futures of its few lonely patrons. Mostly former servicemen from ‘Nam.
I-i-i g-g-guess I didn't ta-ta-ta-take you for a Se-se-se-segar fan!
I’m in mourning, Jake.
‘86 Marigold staggers up from his table and moves to the vinyl jukebox, slamming a nickel inside and mashing on the button to play- - -
HEY! a gruff, rednosed bartender shouts over to Marigold, MYRA BRECKENRIDGE!
Evoking a slurrish clobber of laughter from the old ‘Nam vets,
YOU GONNA’ PLAY SOMETHING ELSE?!
— The needle in the jukebox scratches Seger’s ‘Like A Rock’ for the seventh time in a row, and ‘86 Marigold turns to notice the collective of the bar patrons staring him down.
Streaks of eyeliner running down onto his cheekbones
What did you call me?
I think you heard me… FRANNIE… we don’t like your godless, anarchist type in here. You’re making us uncomfortable!
‘86 Marigold takes a slow, threatening, deliberate stride toward the bartender
Hm… you think you’re special? YOU DO! Haha I can see it in your eyes…
Still observing from the shadows, Jake begins getting anxious, fidgeting his fingers F-f-f-fu-FUDGE! T-th-th-those guys are gu-gu-gu-gunna JUMP you!
You know you’re right… you know you’re riiiiight… YOU KNOW YOU’RE RIIIIIIGHT!
And just like that, their cover is blown
‘86 Frances spots Jake Borden and the future Frances Marigold in the corner of the bar. His brow tightens, and he turns his attention away from the historic ass-kicking he was about to take.
Who the hell are you?
SHIT! If he sees us, won’t the spacetime continuum buckle or something?
”O-oh! N-n-no actually!” Jake smiles delightedly, as he actually knows the answer to this question. ”C-c-cuz, I w-w-went back in t-t-time with my f-f-future s-s-son and w-w-witnessed f-f-future me f-f-fffffff…er, c-c-copulate with his m-mother and that t-t-turned out ok.”
…
”I m-m-mean, t-t-timeline-wise, anyway.”
…Jake gets a thousand mile stare as he briefly contemplates the unnatural horrors he’s witnessed…
Then shakes his head and resumes to his normal state of “can-do attitude” and “1970s pluck”!
OH! Well in that case!
SWOOP
2025 Frances dramatically leaps over the table top to confront his past self… only he crashes through the table and tumbles to the floor in a heap, groaning in pain.
86’ Marigold reaches down, grabbing his future-self by the shirt collar, raising a fist I SAID WHO ARE YOU?!
Future Marigold hacks, and chuckles delighted through the pain What else can I be?! ALL APOLOGIES!
That’s because… dramatic beats I’m you! FROM THE FUTURE!
DUN DUN DUNNN!
G-g-gasp!
…
Wait, no, *I-I-I* knew th-th-that.
Look, son…
W-w-wait, son?!? Y-y-y-you d-d-didn’t tell me you were your own f-f-f-DAD
Both Marigolds look over at Borden, glaring incredulously,
If you’re really me from the future, then tell me the name of the MASTERPIECE song I wrote last week–
--EASY!--
Knowing exactly what ‘86 Marigold is referring to, ‘25 Marigold reaches into his youngerse’fs pocket and pulls out a piece of notebook paper with crude lyrics scribbled on it in crayon.
It’s called COOKIE!
I…
you…
WE… wrote this song about our affair with actress Cookie Mueller…
THAT BITCH!
Yeah, well, she dies from AIDS in a few years anyway. We dodged a bullet, kid!
Dies from what?
w-w-w-wait a s-s-second, b-b-b-boys!
Jake gathers the Frances’s attention and points at the crowd of pissed off patrons who’ve encircled them,
WHAT IN THE NAME OF SATAN WORSHIPING SHIT IS THIS?!
The bartender shouts at the two Marigolds, a look of frightened anger in his eyes,
HEYYYY! WAAAAAIT! I’VE GOTTA- - -
N-n-n-n-n-n-ne-new?- NEW- C-C-C-C-C-C-C?
- - - TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOUNGER FRANCES!
Tell me what?!
In just a couple of seconds, these men are gonna’ kick your ass!
YEAH - YEAH!
The group of men shout, pounding their fists into their hands, moving closer,
But then! The Bloody Sphincters are gonna’ show up, and save you!
B-b-bloody wh-what?
Why would THEY show up? They’re dead to me!
w-w-wait, wh-wh-who?
Because they want you back in the band! They know no one can shred like me… I mean, YOU! And we’re gonna’ forgive them- - -
‘86 Frances spits on the floor,
FUCK THAT!
The door to the bar kicks open, and ‘86 Frances’ eyes go wide,
Frances, you in here? a squeaky voice cries out,
BUT YOU MUST KNOW THIS!
THERE’S A JUDAS AMONGST THEM!
HE’S GONNA’ TAAAAAKE IT ALLL AWAAAAY-
TAAAAKE IT ALLLL AWAAAAY-
WHEN HE SHOVED IT IN OUR FAAAACE!
Who???
…Fredrick!
No, Fredricks is cool, he’s just a kid!
WHAM!
The bartender socks ‘86 Frances in the face, as ‘25 Frances and Borden conveniently slip back into the time portal. A brawl erupts in the bar.
2025 - ONE WEEK EARLIER THAN WHEN THE PROMO STARTED
A time portal neatly closes behind Borden and Marigold, who is holding a 40 he picked up in a brief stop they made during the prohibition on their way back to the present.
”I-i-it wasn’t e-e-even on the w-w-way…” Jake grumbles as the time portal closes behind them.
”Act out of loyalty, portray… PORTRAY!” Marigold shouts as he lifts the 40 to his lips and takes a swig.
”Fr-Fr-Frances!” Jake puts his foot down! ”I’m st-st-starting to th-th-think the sanctity of the spacetime c-c-continuum isn’t on y-y-your mind at a-a-all! And y-y-you’re taking a-a-advantage of my 1970s n-n-naivete!”
”Just because you’re paranoid…” Frances nods knowingly, tossing the empty bottle down the street. ”...doesn’t mean they’re not after you…”
”Wh-wh-who’s after us?!?! The one e-e-endangering the spacetime c-c-continuum?”
…Frances points ahead.
”He’s the one! Who STOLE all our pretty songs!”
Jake peers ahead…
At an opulent, elegant looking manor…
[wevent]STATELY DURST MANOR[/weventr]
”...And w-w-we *have* to d-d-do this at n-n-night?”
”With the lights out? It’s less dangerous.”
…
”*sigh*...”
…Jake nimbly hops the fence of the Durst estate.
”O-okay, Fr-Frances! Now, y-you get a l-leg up and I’ll h-h-help you d-”
WHAM! Frances vaults over the fence, arms flailing!
Jake gets crushed against Fred Durst’s immaculate lawn!
As Frances scoops himself off the ground…
…Triggering Fred Durst’s security system!
WHEE OOOOOOH WHEEEEE OOOOH WHEEEE OOOOOOOH
”I s-s-said w-w-wait ‘til I g-g-gave the s-s-signal!”
Jake grasps Marigold by the arm and the two charge toward Durst’s mansion!
WHAM!
…From the inside of Durst’s mansion, the front door bulges… But doesn’t open…
…
WHAM!
…
Nope.
…
Suddenly, a metal tingling.
Click.
The door unlo-.
WHAM! The door’s finally booted off the hinges!
”Fr-frances, there was a sp-spare k-k-key under the m-m-mat! I u-unlocked it a-a-already!”
”I’ve been locked inside for… fooooooooooorrr…. forever young.”
”Well, well, well.”
The lights inside the marvelously-furnished Durst’s entry parlor suddenly come alive.
Standing at the top of the stairway with a crossbow and in a very expensive looking purple robe is…
FRED DURST!
…
”A-a-again, I’m fr-fr-from the 70s… w-w-who?”
”If it isn’t Frances Marigold.”[orange] Durst sips at a glass of cognac, before strolling down the steps of his very expensive looking staircase. [orange]”So, you’re back… Again.”
”...W-w-wait…” Jake side-eyes Frances. ”Y-you’ve been h-h-here b-b-before?”
”Oh yeah, he comes here like once a week. Sometimes he pisses on the side of my house… One time he lit a bag of dog crap on fire and set in on my porch… My butler had to put it out with a fire extinguisher…”
”S-s-so, this d-d-doesn’t have t-t-to do with pr-pr-preserving the t-t-timeline at all!”
”...Oh my god. Frances, did you trick ANOTHER time-traveller into taking you back to the 80s?”
…
”W-w-wait! He’s d-d-done this before?!?”
INSIDE THE DURST SECURITY ROOM
Durst and Borden watch security footage of Durst’s front porch ring camera…
Quote:A man in a white jumpsuit and Frances Marigold sneak up to the Durst manor…
”Great Scott! So you’re saying this is where I can find Plutonium to get back to 1985!”
”Come and knock on my door… Boy, don’t you… hesitate!”
The man in the jumpsuit approaches and politely raps on the door with a knock!
…As he does, Frances slowly backward steps out of the camera’s view..
Moments later, Fred opens the door.
”Nice outfit. Sup dude?”
”Excuse me! But, do you happen to have spare plutoni-”
”THE MAN IN THE BACK SAID EVERYONE ATTACK!”
Frances springs back into frame!
And delivers a flying jumpkick straight to Durst’s chest!
”AH FUCK! NOT AGAIN, FRANCES!” Durst sputters from the ground cradling his aching pecs…
”BARROOM BLITZ!”
Frances scrambles off into the night…
Leaving the jump-suited man lost and confused…
…
Durst sighs.
”...Yeah, he does this every few days. That’s why I needed to install the security system…”
…
”I also had to invest some of my massive platinum album wealth into experiencing time non-linearly, otherwise, this shit would drive me nuts.”
…
”N-no, sir!” Jake shakes his head. ”I-I-I d-d-don’t believe it!”
Durst points at the screen. ”Dude, I’m showing you video evidence. Frances lies to time travelers so they’ll take him back to the 80s… Then forward in time, mostly to fuck with me.”
”M-m-my FRIEND, Fr-Fr-Frances Marigold may be a l-l-lot of th-th-things! B-B-But if he t-t-told me the t-t-timeline was at st-st-stake, I kn-kn-know he’s telling the tr-tr-truth!”[/pink
Jake turns around.
[pink]”Right, Fr-Fr-Frances?”
…
Frances is gone.
Durst and Borden go back into the parlor.
Where Marigold…
Pants around his ankles…
Is squatting over a large purple ceramic vase.
”C’MON FRANCES!” Durst expels incredulously ”NOT IN MY GRAND-DAD’S URN!”
…
”I-I-i’ll see myself o-o-out.”
Borden goes back out into the street, re-summoning the time portal.
”...D-D-Darn you, J-J-Jake. Y-You g-g-gullible git…” He mutters to himself.
”WAIT! JAKE!” Frances charges back into the street!
”D-d-don’t even t-t-talk to m-m-me right now, M-M-MIster M-M-Marigold!” Borden sighs. ”L-L-Let’s just g-g-get ourselves b-b-back to our own t-t-timeline…”
…Marigold puts a hand on Jake’s shoulder…
”Jake.”
…Frances sighs, as if reckoning with the consequences of betraying the trust of someone who clearly cares about him.
”It’s just…”
Frances sighs.
”It’s just… one of those days.”
”When you don’t wanna wake up.”
…Jake covers his heart.
”Everything’s FUCKED.”
“Everybody sucks.”
…Frances looks into the horizon… Where the sun is rising to start a new day.
”And if you interact? Your life is on contract…”
…Frances looks Jake in the eyes.
”So, stay away, motherfucker…”
…
Frances forlornly starts walking down the street.
…
”W-w-wait, Frances!”
…Frances stops.
”Is that a-a-actually how you f-f-feel, or are you q-q-quoting another s-s-song that was r-r-released after my t-t-time?”
”...Jake, it’s not a song ‘til it tears you apart.”
…
……
”*sigh*...”
”O-o-okay, ONE more st-st-stop!”
THE YEAR 3055
The scene opens with Frances and Jake galloping along the shoulders of a mighty steed, making haste through a barren desertland.
Borden tightens his hug around Frances’ waist. Frances’ control on the reins bringing the steed to a sprinting gait.
w-w-whats t-t-t-this p-p-place?
Where do bad folks go when they DIE?!
w-w-w-w-w-wwh-what?
They don’t go to heaven where the angels fly - THEY GO TO THE LAKE OF FIRE AND FRY!
D-d-d-d-DARN-DARN-IT!
M-m-Mister M-m-Marigold! Are you s-s-s-saying w-w-w-we’re in H-H-H-Hell?!
There’s only one way to find out!
Our heroes continue on their journey, through the dry, lifeless desert, and finally into an immaculate coastal landscape, not vitiated by a single sign of humanity’s corruption.
The look on Frances’ face tells the whole story. A wide, glowing, toothy smile overtakes the camera shot, as he believes now he’s been victorious. Believing perhaps he’s saved all of existence by thwarting the rise of the shitty NUMetal era of music. He slows the horse down to a trot along the beach, and a cold beer inexplicably appears in his hand.
W-w-WOW! T-t-this d-d-doesn’t look like D-D-Dante’s p-p-playground
Oh… Frances pulls the can of budweiser away from his lips, his eyes going wide on something in the distance, ...no.
He practically falls from the horse, and staggers a few feet up the beach before falling to his knees.
Oh my god…We’ve finally really did it, Jake. YOU BASTARDS! His fists pounding into the wet sand
D-D-Did wh-wh- - -OH! Jake interrupts himself as he spots what has brought Frances to this manic state Hey, I-I-Isn’t that M-M-Mister D-D-DUR-D-D-DURRRST?
A giant, broken and eroded statue of Fred Durst just ahead. Leaning over, hundreds of feet in highest, and likely hundreds and hundreds of years in age.
GODDAMN YOU!!!!!
BACK IN THE PRESENT
The “Always Composed” Pete Rose stands between “Cavortin’” Jake Borden and Frances Marigold…
Sporting a deep purple shiner under his cheek…
”So, Jake, tonight, you and Frances are facing the XWF Legend Blizzard and the self-proclaimed XWF 2025 Rookie of the Year Solomon Kline… Do you feel prepared?”
…
”Yip.”
Jake pulls Rose’s microphone a little closer to his chin.
”I’ve been hanging with Fr-Fr-Frances Marigold all-day… and he does n-n-nothing but recite old r-r-references I don’t g-g-get.”
”And fr-fr-frankly? I can’t imagine a better pr-pr-prep for facing Bl-Bl-Blizzard!”
Jake shakes his head.
”D-d-did you see that return s-s-segment at Rebellion? It was w-w-wall-to-w-w-wall references from sh-shhhhhh…er, stuff... that happened almost tw-tw-twenty years ago!”
Jake pinches the bridge of his nose.
”I m-m-mean… Jon Brown… T-T-T-Money… RJ P-P-Palmer… Y’know what it f-f-felt like? It f-f-felt like a 45-year-old m-m-man walking into a h-h-high-school reunion, w-w-wondering why his art wasn’t still h-h-hanging on the w-w-walls.”
Jake points at the camera.
”M-M-Maybe because things e-e-evolved in this c-c-company in the last t-t-two decades!”
Jake rolls his eyes.
”L-l-look, I g-g-get this might f-f-feel like the p-p-pot calling the k-k-kettle black… After all, I’m fr-fr-from the 1970s…”
…
”B-b-but you know what I d-d-don’t do? Th-th-throw out references to my t-t-time CONSTANTLY!”
”A-a-and I could! Wr-wr-wr-wrestling in the 1970s had all the r-r-real greats!”
”’B-B-Boulder Face’ R-R-Ricardo DiVincenzo!”
”’St-st-straight-Laced’ L-L-Leland Limón!”
”G-G-Gargantuan G-G-Gary G-G-Guam!”
Pete Rose clears his throat, taking his mic back momentarily.
”Jake, these references are all… INCREDIBLY obscure!”
”A-a-anymore o-obscure than a reference to the Tr-Tr-Tri-State Warriors! The stable from 2008… AND a d-d-different company entirely!”
…
”I’m j-j-just saying… Bl-Bl-Blizzard’s career took pl-pl-place in pr-pr-PRE-history! The g-g-guy’s he used to b-b-bury in HIS XWF have a-a-already turned into f-f-fossils!”
“I m-m-may be from the 1970s… B-B-But I’ve t-t-tussled with the b-b-best talent this era’s had to o-o-offer!”
”And if ol’ Bl-Bl-Blizz thinks he’s just gonna st-st-stroll in and d-d-dominate… He’s going out on his b-b-back! The same b-b-back that wore out and f-f-forced him into a r-r-retirement a DECADE ago!”
…
”Speaking of the sp-sp-spinally ch-ch-challenged… Solomon Kl-Kl-Kline!”
“Did you s-s-see him at R-R-Rebellion?”
“Sarah W-W-Wolf hands him a k-k-kendo stick and tells him to t-t-tee off on his f-f-father! Ol’ Krimson Kline!”
”And h-h-here’s the crazier thing! H-H-He almost did it! His D-D-Daddy is tied up in the c-c-corner and all it took was Sarah W-W-Wolf telling him ‘hit your d-d-dad…’ and he’s like ‘d-d-duh… okay!’ I kn-kn-know I sw-sw-swore to st-st-stop the Black Rainbow… but n-n-now that they’re politely a-a-asking me to b-b-betray my dad… I’ll do that!”
Quote:She hands Solomon the red lightsaber painted kendo stick that his dad brought to the ring during their entrance. She picks Crimson Kline off the mat and wrenches both his arms behind his back. Mari holds the microphone to Sarah’s lips.
Sarah Wolf: Do it. Hit him, Solomon. End him! Join us in your new, true family…the Black Rainbow.
Solomon looks out at the crowd on all sides. He seems torn. The crowd starts chanting “No!” repeatedly. Solomon lets out a primal scream and smacks the kendo stick made to look like a lightsaber onto the mat. Sarah grins as Solomon lifts the kendo stick high above his head, aiming straight for Crimson Kline. He mouths the words “I love you. I’m sorry”.
…Jake squints like… what?
”I-I-If you’ve b-b-been f-f-following Solomon Kline’s tr-tr-trajectory though? It ain’t a sur-sur…suuuur…*sigh* a shock.”
“All he’s been doing on his ‘R-R-Rookie of the Y-Y-Year campaign’ is b-b-begging older p-p-people for a-a-advice and wh-wh-whining about how he c-c-can’t seem to f-f-figure out how to succeed!”
…Jake leans into the camera.
”S-S-Sol. I can r-r-relate! I’ve t-t-taken my f-f-fair share of l-l-lumps since I signed a c-c-contract! But you ain’t e-e-EVER gonna here me wh-wh-whining about how h-h-hard the road is!”
”Wh-wh-why? Cuz this is the p-p-p-pinnacle of wrestling! The talent l-l-level doesn’t get h-h-higher than the XWF! And if y-y-you can st-st-stomach a few b-b-bumps in the r-r-road on the climb to the m-m-main event? M-M-Maybe this ain’t for y-y-you!”
“My p-p-pal Fr-Fr-Frances and I b-b-both took l-l-lumps at R-R-Rebellion! And we’re st-st-still here, looking to br-br-bring the fight right to ya!”
“XWF L-Legend? XWF R-R-Rookie of the Y-Y-Year!”
“E-E-Every man can get b-b-beat on any g-g-given night!”
“And t-t-tonight?”
“I’M.”
“GOING.”
“FULL.”
“FORCE.”
THE CATS IN THE CRADLE!
Pete Rose fumbles and jumps with panic as Frances pulls the mic in with unnecessary aggression, barking into it with an awkward belligerence
[red]LIKE- FARerrrph- he gags back on a drunken retch, -FATHER! LIKE SON!
SOLOMON KLINE IS A LOSER NOW - JUST LIKE HIS FATHER WAS A LOSER BACK IN THE NINETIES!
A COWARD THEN WHO LET THE KILLER OF HIS FAMILY WALK!
BUT TOO MUCH OF A DOOF TO REALIZE HIS SON NEVER DIED TO BEGIN WITH!
I’MMA FINISH THE JOB ON THE IDIOT OFFSPRING.
I’MMA KILL YOU SOLOMON
Hehe - he d-d-dosen’t really m-m-mean-
KILL YOU LIKE THE ASSASSIN THAT KILLED YOUR MOTHER SHOULD’VE!
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