Trying to work out who you want to be isn't always an easy task!

Look at that view. So beautiful. Las Vegas, the dream city, the place where so many people flock to in excitement. Sitting here outside the Mandalay Bay Resort I should be over the moon, living the dream. So why is it that once again I find myself sat here, writing into this diary, the only thing I trust with the thoughts that are screaming inside my head?

The scene comes into view to see Kristen, legs up and back relaxed on one of the sofas outside the Mandalay Bar Resort. It's no surprise that she's picked the furthest one away from the pool, plenty of chaos going on in the background as people move around and inside the pool, the sun completely beaming from the sky on a beautiful summers day.

Kristen takes a look up, the light from the sun catching her face and reflecting from her eyes as she crunches them together, struggling to see from so much sun. After taking a quick glance at the people and chaos around her, she sinks her head back down, pen in hand as she begins to squiggle away into the paper diary in her lap.

Another day. Just sat watching everything ticking by. Everybody is oblivious, smiles everywhere. So why can't I smile? Why can't I feel the happiness that everybody around me feels?

Why despite everything that I've had in life, despite everything that I still have, can't I feel that same feeling of happiness right now?

I told the world that what I wanted, what would make me happy, would be those 'chips'. See, chips can equal power I keep telling myself. But I've had power many times before in my life and I even made myself believe for a long time that power brought happiness. I made myself believe that the feeling I was feeling inside was happiness, but it wasn't. It was an emptiness. Everytime I tell the world to love me and it somehow pushes everybody further and further away.

I'm confused.

I'm confused as to who I am anymore.

I'm confused to what I want.

Glory? Power? To stand at the very top and scream to the world how I'm the greatest in the world? How I'm the most important person in the world?

Or happiness? Love? To be cared about?

I'm writing that, part of me hearing those words inside my head and thinking how much this sounds like a sad chick flick or a defining moment from a soppy movie. But this isn't a movie. This is my life. And I don't know how much longer I can juggle wanting to be two different things, two different people.

"Kristen, come on!"

Kristen lifts her head from the darkness of the diary and into the beaming light from the sun to see her assistant, Erin, standing in front of her.

Erin: Game time, baby! You could look a bit more lively, come on.

All that Kristen does is look up, shedding a mild smile as an overly excited and happy Erin turns her back and begins to walk away. Kristen lifts her legs up and plants them onto the scorching hot concrete floor, sitting up on the sofa, diary and pen still in hand. She looks down one last time...

Who am I?

Lifting her head back up, Kristen looks out at everybody around her, all of them oblivious to Kristen as they laugh, relax and enjoy themselves. The scene slowly fades out to the sight of Kristen looking on, deep in thought.

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