Robbie Bourbon is going to be involved in the big elimination, Winner take half, or all, or all of half, whatever, match at Shove-It this weekend.

BRING YOUR WALLETS

We see a running treadmill with Robbie Bourbon standing next to it. Robbie's holding a phone book. He walks over and turns the treadmill up so it moves as fast as it can. Robbie then walks to the base of the treadmill.

Oh, you wanted me to do this, right?

Robbie lifts a booted foot in the air and brings it crashing down on the treadmill, putting his foot through the belt and works within. The treadmill belt splits and whips off as the treadmill sputters to death. He then rips the phone book in half and tosses the halves to the side.

Luca Arzegotti is softer than my dick after a Luca Arzegotti promo. Stop kidding yourself, stud, you just ain't my type. I prefer hips, lips, tits, and ass, not coke, smoke, cock, and no class. Just go order a Fathead of me and put it on your Austin Fernando body pillow if you want to bring up my sexuality. Oh, what am I talking about?

(02-15-2016, 03:11 PM)Someone confused me for Dim, whoopsie Said: Robbie's so insecure with his sexuality he watches gay porn just to call the performers between sobs.

Luca Arzegotti is as soft as a marshmallow and twice as sweet. I don't get why you have this notion I go around calling people slurs, though. I have never once referred to any homosexual male as an 'F', flat out, prove it. I sure as fuck have made fun of you and Austin Fernando as being a couple of whores who would be better suited to the life of hardcore ass to mouth gay porn, yeah, but there's nothing wrong with that, I guess. Stop being such a Debbie Downer, and stop being such a melodramatic little diva about shit and take your ass whooping like you take your dick, like a man. You know, I am insecure about one thing, though. You know what that is? Pregnancy scares. Luca Arzegotti couldn't cause a pregnancy scare with the backing of a fertility clinic and three dozen Amish women on a hormone treatment. Seriously, those always give me the sweats, the heebie jeebies, the willies, and the creeps all at the same time. Ask your sister, it was an ordeal we went through. Luckily, she had a miscarriage, and my DNA wasn't skewed by something resembling Luca Arzegotti's.

With that, a puppet of Luca Arzegotti sets up next to Robbie.

Damn, Robbie, that was hype!

Robbie's eyes go wide as his jaw drops.

Oh, neat, a puppet to come around and talk about how cool what I said was? Say, puppet Luca, you're just like Luca's puppet, Mason Prince!

L O L, hype, hashtag hashtag hashtag!

Robbie grins at the camera.

Man, then get ready for this shit. Here comes all the shit I have to say about Austin Fernando!

Robbie sits and stares blankly at the camera for 5 minutes.

Uh, you have anything to say about the guy?

What? Not really, I'm kinda burned out on Austin Fernando. I really don't have a deep personal hatred of the guy, but hey, sometime this week he or Luca will tell me I'm being personal, but this is business, damnit. That's money, cash money, coming my way, and the money from being Xtreme champion. I mean, if my team has to win, Fernando will eat a pin, and that means the Xtreme championship is on the line. I stick by my pledge, Austin, I'll give up my share of the winnings if I pin you, because it's the move you'd never make. This isn't about deep running hatred, or some rivalry, we're just polar fucking opposites existing the same place and time. I am a man of the people, you're anything but. You tell everybody you're the superior one, and I guess you've convinced yourself of that, because I feel you're terrified of people. You're terrified of the opinions and judgments of others, so you go back to the warm, loving embrace of Luca, and a series of puppets telling you how great you are. You're not a dick rider, you're a blanket hog, taking the covers so you can feel safe and cozy and close your eyes at night. I don't give a god damn if you beat me before, how many times before, because I'm invariably the thing that you will always draw to yourself, and that is the opinions of people who aren't you. Now, for your benefit, I have outlined my septic tank out behind my dojo so it's easier to find a good spot to root around in my old shit and tell me about the corn I ate last November. Turdnando, picking peanuts out of poop for himself.

L O L O L O L, that was hype, mango! You called him Turdnando!

That's right. Now, there's a mystery opponent involved. Maverick? Is that you mystery opponenting over there? If it is Maverick, well, looks like I'm fighting a sack of shit. If it isn't, well, looks like I'm fighting a sack of shit.

L O L O L O L, hashtag hashtag fire fat hashtag!

Robbie rolls his eyes as a Game Girl puppet appears next to him.

I'm fucking adorable!

Oh shit, that's right!

Madam, we have business to settle. For starters, I have you fucking dead to rights. Boom, beaten, busted, the man who broke the game. It took interference from my friends to distract me so you could get the win. You hit me with everything that you had, and I was still raring to go. Then...

The lights go out, and when they come back up, the Game Girl puppet is holding a hammer. It starts to steadily bonk Robbie on the head.

Well, you get the picture, don't you? Here was this dominating, intimidating, strong competitor, wreaking havoc on any fool who dared step in the ring with her, and you had to resort to parlor tricks and some bullfuckery. Now, Pest and the Black Hand have reconciled their debts for that night. He became Esteban the Magnificent, and I'm now the controlling shareholder of the Black Hand. Time to come collect on your creepy, alien ass and the debt you owe to me and the people. I will squeeze your neck so hard you'll think Game Boy is giving it to you rough again, I'll hit you so hard your coding goes inverted, and then I'm going to make every little fanboy with a crush cry as the little manga chick with spunk gets annihilated by the reality of a massive athlete ready to put a boot up her ass for America. That's right, honey, crank your level up or whatever, do your little you in the land of some horny dink's imagination, then you can hustle your fucking abomination of reality self down to the ring to get fucking wrecked like the rest.

Robbie grabs both the Luca and Game Girl puppets and walks a few steps to a nearby wood chipper. He throws each inside as mulched fabric in a bevy of colors shoots out of it.

Fucking puppets.

Robbie doffs his mask as we see Vinnie Lane, Rebel Star, and LeStrange aarrive. Robbie turns to them.

"Well, no wonder you wear a mask, you're one ugly dude."

That doesn't explain why you don't have one, Vinnie.

"Hi, nice dojo, I like how you keep a wood chipper near a broken treadmill."

Hi, Miss Star, welcome to the XWF.

"I have a wife and we're expecting, I need the money!"

Then go with that, broski, you're my dope. Now, guys, I've asked you all here to go on an important mission in time. Not just any mission, but a real Rock and Roll mission. LeStrange, you brought your guitar, right? Vinnie, Rebel, you guys can belt out the lyrics and vocals.

"Wait, you want to travel in time and be a band?"

Fuck yes, that shit sounds awesome, don't be a nancy about it.

"What the hell are you going to play?"

Robbie pulls out a Guitar Hero controller with an old Casio keyboard duct taped to it.

Keytar.