XXXVI leads Clutch Cassidy into the foyer of his manor in Western Australia. They are met by a masked woman, clad in a black form-fitting dress. She offers to take Clutch’s bag. “My god, you are stunning! Pardon me. I’m Cierra. Or you can call me CIX. Mr. Director doesn’t much like me being so informal, but I’m just a simple girl, you know?”
“Shiiiiiiiit, ain’t no use in being all fancy shmancy, so I feel ya, sister.” Clutch hands CIX her bag and throws an arm around her in a gal-pal hug. “Btw, does this place have those special toilets that wash ya ass for ya when ya take a shit?”
XXXVI intentionally coughs to break their attention.
“Lady Clutch, we have a fully functioning wrestling ring in the basement. However, I think between the two of us, with your strategic plan, we’re well prepared to face Summer Page. Arroyo may require a different type of training. I suggest we move the training to the bush, where we can strategize and prepare for the more unnatural elements of this competitor.” Says XXXVI.
Clutch unwraps from CIX, then rubs her hands together excitedly for XXXVI’s bush plans. “Let’s GOOOOOOOOO! Afterward, let’s..” switches to an awful Aussie accent.. “Put another shrimp-on-the-barbie, mate! Tally-Ho-Cheerio!”
XXXVI pauses, then… ”Riiiiiiiight.”
They enter the Australian wild, walking through forests with tall trees. “Beware of drop bears.”
“Dra-WHUT?” Asks Clutch.
Without missing a beat, XXXVI answers, “They look like koalas, but they are anything but cute and cuddly. They drop from high places without warning and strike. They have sharp teeth and those claws.”
Her eyes widen. “If they don’t get you, there’s always the Bunyip, Yowie, Hoop Snake…”
She shakes her head each time. “Yes, but the real threat and the one who may prepare us most to face the existential threat of this ‘Vamp’ is the Yara-ma-yha-who.”
“What the devil even are any of these? What happened to the good ol’ Dingo? And why did it ‘eat muh baby’?” She asks again in terrible Australian affectation.
He looks at her, not amused. “Thankfully, those creatures are all imaginary, just like the threat that this Arroyo poses. You’re more likely to be injured by a Hunstman spider than them and they’re harmless. Like big eight-legged puppies.”
“How large are we talking?” She asks.
He shrugs. “Only about a foot long for each leg,” he states casually.
She shivers at the thought. She begins to respond, but is interrupted. ”Croc! Watch out!”
XXXVI pushes her aside to avoid her running into the crocodile. “Perhaps that’s enough training for the evening. It’s getting dark and we don’t want to encounter the Malingee or the Burrunjor.”
She simply glowers at him and agrees to return to the compound.
Next morning in the compound, XXXVI is vexed at what he sees. It’s the Kangaroo, named Roo, who’s a regular around the compound. Roo’s buffed to the gills, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and is crazily tearing up the buckles and ropes with rabid attacks.
“Did you perhaps piss off Roo?” He asks Clutch. She beams a shit-eating grin.
“Naw, sugar. I did something better. The way I sees it, Kristoffer Arroyo might be Madison Dyson in disguise. Think about it, snookums. Every time Madison chokes in a big match, she bails quicker than Gorgo then returns three months later, identifying as something else. She was a republican, lost, came back as a democrat. She was a white bitch, lost, came back as a black bitch. Et-fuckin’-cetera. She was already foolin around with cults, summoning demons, and all that cookie-cutter dark booshit everyone does who can’t hack it on their own. She ass-puked Samael and couldn’t be bothered to put a U in his name to spell it right, and now, somehow, PUFF, this trashburger Kristoffer shows up connected to Samael. She ain’t fooling me, dirty thirty-six!”
XXXVI shushes her with a gesture. “That’s far-fetched. Even if true, I cannot fathom how it relates to Roo tearing up my ring.”
“Ah-ha!” Clutch wags a finger. “Thought you’d never ask! I pumped Roo full of energy drinks and some other things that may or may not be legal here in Aussie land. See, irregardless if I’m right or wrong, Vamp supposedly has superhuman strength and speed, that might be supernatural or some hokey shit, and he’s crazy and violent as fuck. So, the way I sees it, if that’s true, then we gotta train for a dude who’s out of his cotton-pickin’ mind with otherworldly strength and durability. If I’m wrong and it’s just Madison crossdressing, then same shit applies except with her it's not supernatural shit, it’s her getting coked up and shoving hamsters up her ass before a match as usual.”
She places her hands on her hips, chest puffed out with naive confidence of a flat-earther, so damn proud of herself. XXXVI slowly blinks, processing this flooding tangent. The Director observes from behind glass across the room.
“Lady Clutch,” He begins, with a pause.. “I doubt the theories are true. However, you may have a point with the ‘wilding-out’ of this ‘Vamp’, so dare I say…. commence training?”
The Backwoods Bombshell lets out a whooping yell. “Hell yeah, tag.. You’re in.” She suddenly grabs him and hurls him into the ring. Roo instantly pounces, cigarette still in his mouth. They tussle for a moment but no matter what XXXVI does, Roo tanks it and keeps brawling. XXXVI tags in Clutch, who doesn’t fare much better. So, together, they charge at him and hit a double dropkick!
As Roo goes unconscious, Clutch suddenly fires a superkick at XXXVI’s head, but it’s not to attack him; it’s to knock-out the mannequin Cierra has hurled as a surprise attack behind him. The Summer Page symbolism strikes XXXVI when he sees the pure plastic woman lying still on the mat. He chuckles as Clutch stacks “Summer Page” atop Roo and counts 1..2..3 while XXXVI places his boot atop both.
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