Ladies and gentlemen. My name is Owen Octavious Carter and this is the official review of Peter Gilmour.
Normally my client, Kevin "Gilmour Classic" Steen, would come out and cut a promo, but Gilmour Classic is in his hotel room resting after an intense week of training with John Cena. Not to mention all of the stress that comes with negotiating a business deal with the McMahons, and of course all of the drama surrounding these infamous "FAKE GILMOUR ACCOUNTS!" No, I didn't coin that term, that was all Peter Gilmour. What an idiot, right?
Poor, Peter. It's been a rough month for you, hasn't it, boy? All these "FAKE ACCOUNTS!" that bully you every day. Those same bullies who try to lure you into humiliating yourself. It hurts doesn't it, Peter? Like when the evil dwarf makes a little comment about Maria that sets you off. Or when he cut a hole in your pants and raped you on the set of Lord of the Rings. I bet you were even more hurt when you had to go out and admit to the entire world that deep down you enjoyed it when he took advantage of you. Or how about when your archenemy, Fatback (AIDS edition), got up in your wife? Terrible, just terrible. The sad part is that we've barely scratched the surface when it comes to addressing your problems, Peter. I'm surprised you haven't killed yourself yet. Oh wait, by your logic, you can't even, "kill what you didn't create!"
You should seek help anyway, Peter. You shouldn't have to go through life like this. Find a professional who you can vent in front of and have examine your brain. I can see the pain on your face as you struggle through life. For instance, I saw the pain on your face when you had just given up and tried to convince yourself and everyone else that you weren't raped. You tried to say it that it was my client, Gilmour Classic, who was raped by Frodo. Peter, come on. You went out there and admitted that Gilmour Classic is in fact Kevin Steen. Peter, we both know that Gilmour Classic can't actually be both Kevin Steen and Peter Gilmour at the same time. Up until a month ago he was Kevin Steen, and all of this stuff with you getting raped happened last Christmas. Yes, Gilmour Classic did come out and "confess" that he was raped, but THE GUY ISN'T MENTALLY STABLE. He thinks that he's you, Peter! It's crazy; my client is so convinced that he's the real Peter Gilmour that you are beginning to think that he actually is Peter Gilmour!
Peter, listen. You are Peter Gilmour, okay? Just don't tell GC or he'll freak out and might change back to Kevin Steen.
You can't just go around and start telling people that everything you've fucked up on was all Gilmour Classic. No one's gonna buy that, buddy.
It's time for you to come to terms with the truth, Peter. You were raped. You were raped by a dwarf and you liked it. Your wife is fat and has AIDS. And no matter what crazy solution you try to come up with, nothing will ever change these facts.
I'm worried about you, Peter. You're Gilmour logic is through the roof right now; you aren't making any sense lately!
Peter, you actually think that:
- DDP Yoga allowed Maria Brink to drop 50 pounds in one week
- A magical blue pill made the AIDS go away
You poor bastard.
OOC laughs wickedly over the fact that Peter Gilmour is a moron.
You poor, poor bastard.
Can we get someone over the age of twelve to babysit Peter?
No? Okay, I'll step in then. Well, I'm not going to babysit you, Peter. But I will take appropriate action in order to keep you from harming yourself. I'm not like these bullies who would rather just sit back and watch you harm yourself. My first task is that upcoming match for Madness.
And I still have a stipulation to name for your match with Gilmour Classic. And since I'm on good terms with Ozymandias, it can be anything the hell I want. I can have you decapitated in the center of the ring if I want to. You agreed to a match where we each picked stipulations. I'd be fully justified to pick that stipulation. But I don't want to hurt you, Peter. That's why initially I chose a stipulation that involved something that you expressed your enjoyment for: Rape. I figured that since you gleefully admitted to enjoying getting raped by Frodo Smackins, that you would totally be on board for letting Mr. XWF get a piece of that ass. You see how logic works, Peter? You analyze events that happened in the past and then you use those facts to plan for the future.
You confessed that you like being raped by men.
I gave you a stipulation where you'd get raped by the man with the big old dick.
See? SEE??? That is why I went with you being raped as a stipulation; there was nothing malicious behind it at all! It's not my fault that you had a sudden change of heart. Is it because you only like tiny dwarf penis?
But now that I've seen your behavior over the week, I must change this stipulation because I don't want you to harm yourself. What good will it do us if your pain is self inflicted? Of course, the self inflicted pain that I'm talking about is Peter Gilmour's sexual desire for Maria Brink and her AIDS. Peter might not know this, but it's very irresponsible of him to be having sex with a woman who's known to have AIDS.
And for stupid reasons, you think that a blue pill what take Maria Brink's AIDS away. Sadly, this isn't true. How do I know? I google stuff. And since you confessed that you enjoy having sex with Maria, I have a moral obligation to intervene. Peter, you can't give a person with AIDS a blue pill and expect them to be cured just because DDP said it would work. DDP was probably just trying to sell you another yoga package since it's only a matter of time before you get your fat back again. The guy is a God damn salesman. Your well being comes second-- THIRD since you're Peter Gilmour. You're still just a fat loser to DDP-- a repeat customer for future sales. Want proof? Ask DDP for a pill that will grant you the power to win the Universal Title since that's about as realistic as DDP having the cure for AIDS. Take that pill and see what happens. Spoiler: Not a fucking thing. You'll still be a gay loser who likes getting raped by dwarf men.
Your lack of competence is why I must change my plans for the match. I can't have you get raped by Mr. XWF, Peter, not with you in the condition that you're in. Sorry, I know you're disappointed to hear that.
Instead, I gotta take away the one thing that is gonna be your downfall.
Maria Brink
That's right, Peter. I'm going to choose the same stipulation that you've chosen for my client. That if you lose, you have to stay away from Maria Brink. FOREVER.
It's for your own good, Peter. I don't want to see you catch AIDS!
Is that why you chose the stipulation for my client; because you didn't want to see him catch AIDS from that sick wife of yours?
Did she seduce you, Peter? Better yet-- did she rape you with her AIDS? Or was it consensual? Surely not, I hope you're smarter than that, but then again you think that there's a pill that can cure AIDS. I can't risk it, which is why I have to make this stipulation official. If Peter Gilmour loses to Gilmour Classic he MUST stay away from Maria Brink. There, I've said it twice. I hope you understand that this is for your own good, Pete. Let that Swagmire catch that shit from Maria instead. Hell, he's probably the one who gave it to her in the first place.
Now I know what you're thinking. "But Owen, what if Gilmour Classic wins and Maria Brink tries to transmit her AIDS to him?"
Good question. Rest assure that I will do everything in my power to keep Maria Brink from ever coming within fifty feet of my client. In fact, Peter Gilmour's stipulation for if Gilmour Classic loses is pointless since I will not be allowing Maria Brink or her AIDS near my client. I don't think anyone, except maybe Swagmire, wants anything to do with Maria at this point. AIDS freaks people out since there isn't a cure.
I'm saving Peter Gilmour's life here. Years from now people will look back and view me as a hero because I kept that imbecile from making a HUGE mistake! I'm practically pulling Peter off the street away from traffic, and strapping a safety helmet on his head.
Sadly, I cannot protect Peter from what my client Gilmour Classic will do to him on Monday. Sorry, Peter, but it's for your own good.
![[-]](https://xwf99.com/images/portal2/collapse.gif)
The following 2 users Like Gilmour Classic's post:
Swagmire catch that shit from Maria instead. Hell, he's probably the one who gave it to her in the first place.
