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~~Gilmour Classic~~ · (05-19-2014)

It's stilllll Wednesday in this promo

We open it to the scene comprised of the same dining room table that Gilmour Classic's been cutting his promos at all week. Gilmour Classic was about to start speaking when a fly landed on his neck. Like the insect killer that he is, he swats the fly, killing it in his hands in one fell swoop. He then dabs some salt on the fly and eats it! Gilmour must be hungry on top of already being thirsty. Damn it Maria, you are horrible at bringing a man his tea!

GC: Today we've covered that... Kendall is a whore champion who lost to me. Duke is a failure when it comes to everything he sets his mind to. That leaves one person to address.

And it's the walking, talking punching bag known as Frodo Smackins. Let's talk about his performance from last week. This guy spent the majority of his promos against Tommy Gunn rambling incessantly about

; getting shot down in every argument that he tried to push; and doing pointless, uninteresting fact checking which Tommy also show down. Hey fuck face, are you gonna bore us some more this week with Tommy Gunn and his fucking military background? Moron... For a guy who you thought was making shit up about being a "decorated" sniper, he sure as fuck used you as target practice all week. Didn't he? Wait a second, back to that "decorated" part. Hey rookies, pay attention to this blunder so that you know how to NOT cut a promo:

Quote:Frodo: Paul Heyman called you that. When he introduced you. (in reference to "decorated sniper")

Frodo then shows a clip of Paul Heyman NOT calling Tommy a decorated sniper.

GC: What a joke. Hey guys, it's usually a good idea to not waste people's time by showing how someone called you out on your bullshit. We could see that ourselves, Frodo. There was no need for you to point out how idiotic you are.

Come on, was that seriously supposed to be trash talk coming from you or were you just testing Tommy to see if he can hit a moving target? What. A. Fucking. Joke. I mean, who can forget more gems from Frodo such as:

Quote:Frodo: Apologies for the mistake.

Frodo: Apologies, he said trained.

GC: Oh my God. Yes, guys, this moron was apologizing to his opponent all week. HAHAHAAH! I shouldn't be laughing, I'm sorry Frodo! OH WAIT- AHAHAHAHA!

Gilmour Classic cannot hold it in anymore, he's bursting into uncontrollable laughter at the sight of Frodo being on the receiving end of a verbal smackdown and not even putting up a fight.

GC: "Apologies for the mistake." My God, what the fuck is this place turning into? Tommy Gunn, I would have broken your teeth and shat down your mouth if you lost to that guy.

What a terrible showing by Frodo Smackins. Can anyone point out one thing this guy did right last week? No, you can't, don't even bother trying. Because with each pitch that Tommy knocked out of the park you could see Frodo becoming more flustered as time went by. Tommy made that shit look like batting practice at the cages. Go back and watch the tapes so you can learn how to not cut promos, Frodo. It was funny as hell to watch. Not because you're funny, no not at all, but because of how badly you performed. Your confidence level started out at around 10 and then dropped to a -10 by the end of the exchange. It almost reminded me of my old self before I underwent all of these changes.

Those promos you cut on Gunn though, that shit needs to be burned! Burned and completely forgotten about. It's no wonder you performed so poorly in your match. You misjudged your opponent and wasted your time engaging him in pointless arguments.

Like I said, go back and watch the tapes and study how hard you failed. I would show a bunch of clips of all your blunders, but unlike you I'm not gonna devote half of a fucking promo to showing clips of other promos. Oh look I just pointed out your first fatal error for free. Look at that, who would have thought that Gilmour would be teaching people how to cut a promo?

But I want to digress from Frodo's inability to cut promos and touch on something else. You see, there's a more serious issue going around in the XWF. I thought the issue was dead months ago, but it seemed to have reared its ugly head again. It's something that my manager and I felt should be covered in this promo. I'm talking about the issue of... rape.

Yes, rape. Let's just all say it together one time.

Rape

Now, I know that the FAKE Gilmour has a match coming up, the outcome of which will determine whether he raped or not. You see, because apparently him losing is the only way to extract the truth out of him. If you ask me, they should have him confess that he's NOT the real Gilmour! Because the real Gilmour would have been honest about these accusations instead of trying to fool our devoted fans. But I digress. So the big question is: Was I raped?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I am here tonight to finally set the record straight once and for all. Drum roll please.

The answer the question is...

YES.

YES, I WAS FUCKING RAPED!

...

...

BY JOHN MADISON!

What?!

That's right! John Madison raped me! He's the fucking perpetrator, and don't let Frodo Smackins try to fool you into thinking it was him! LOOK AT THE CLIP from DECEMBER 15-- two weeks PRIOR to Frodo's lame attempt at copying the former King of the XWF.

You see, unlike that fake Gilmour, I'm not afraid to address it because this is something that really happened to me and changed my life. I'll walk you through it as the clips play.

It all started on a cold December night at the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois. The time was 10:46 PM. Me and John Madison were scheduled for a match at a house show that involved weapons and chaos. The bell rang and the match went in a totally different direction than I anticipated. Right from the start...

Quote:Gilmour has his back turned and he's rolled up by Madison. Madison grabs a handful of tights and pulls hard, showing the audience Gilmour's bare ass! The ref doesn't see it!

Gilmour gets to his feet and tries to pull his pants back up, but Madison nails him with a knee to the side of his head sending Gilmour to the outside bare ass and all!

Yes, I had been stripped naked by that maniac within the first two minutes. I had to continue on with the match with my body exposed to a jam packed arena. As if things couldn't get worse, this happens:

Quote:What's this!? Some lardass is climbing over the security rail. IT'S P.T. "FATBACK" FILMOUR! He stares at Gilmour's naked ass and licks his lips. Fatback is getting something out of his pocket. Oh, no...He's got lube! He drenches his hands and arms with the bottle of lube and starts walking towards Gilmour.

He's right behind him. Fatback makes a fist and holds it up to the crowd while grinning like a goddamn idiot.

Crowd: GET UP IN HIM *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP* GET UP IN HIM *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*

GC: For months I was haunted by those "get up in him" chants and the sight of Fatback trying to get up in me with his bottle of lube. And then... the unthinkable happened.

Quote:Once this took place, Madison knew it was open season. He grabbed a crow bar from under the ring and started shoving the curved end into Gilmour's ass.

Madison: If Fatback can't get up in ya this week, I'll stand in!

With Gilmour face down and the crowbar sticking straight up in the air out of his ass, John tries stepping up onto the tip of the crow bar and standing on it but he loses his balance.

GC: That sick motherfucker shoved the curved end of that crowbar in my ass like he was staking claim to Mount Everest. Then in some strange circus-like act, he tried to stand on it! And that is the story of the night I was raped.

People have been bugging me about this shit all month so I decided I should just put it out in the open. I keep getting asked by people on the street about it. Well, I admitted this in a promo that came after the match with me and John, so why should I repeat myself over and over? Oh, because of Frodo's little attack on me after that incident with the Eye of Sauron? Why should I address something so insignificant?

Let me explain, peasants. The truth is I didn't feel a fucking thing when Frodo tried to get up in me because my asshole got spread open by a fucking crowbar two weeks prior. That's right, did it ever occur to you morons that my asshole was RIPPED OPEN from that ~~hAnus~~ heinous attack from John Madison? You could probably fit an entire human in my ass after it was all said and done. There's no amount of surgery that can fix that, sadly. And the only thing Frodo did was poke air and smack my ass with his balls. That's NOTHING compared to the hell I was put through at the hands of John Madison and Fatback. I mean, you can call it rape all you want but it had no effect on me. I've had farts that caused more damage to my asshole. Too bad, Frodo. You were two weeks shy of getting all up in my tight butt hole.

By the way, tell your buddy Swagmire to have fun with that fake bitch Gilmour that he'll be fighting on Warfare. Since he is the fake Gilly, then we can only assume that he was never raped by anyone in the XWF. Wow, poor fucking fake Gilmour. He has to admit to something that never actually happened to him seeing as how he's not the real Gilmour. I suppose that's justice for him trying to steal my identity. See what happens when you try to rip me off, fake Gilly? You get FUCKED into admitting something that didn't happen to you. Eat my shit!

Second question that's on everyone's mind...and I can't believe I have to answer it after the footage that I showed you...

"Did you enjoy being raped?"

No. To this day I still hate that motherfucker and if he were still around I would kick his teeth down his throat for violating me in front of the world. Sadly, we have a better chance of seeing Sasquatch than seeing that pussy in an XWF ring ever again. Like I said earlier, John raping my butt with the curvy end of that crowbar was the most horrific moment in my wrestling career bar none.

Now, as it pertains to anything that came near my asshole AFTER that incident, I couldn't care less. Reason being is that my body is now numb from the asshole in, so to speak. You could open an umbrella inside me if you wanted to and I wouldn't feel a thing. Yeah, that's how bad John fucked me up.

So how does that relate to Frodo's attack on me at the Eye Of Sauron? Well, let me ask you this: Would you put someone who's paraplegic in a figure four and expect it to hurt them? No. So when a dwarf helps himself to my vast desert of an asshole, all I ask, "is that all you got? Did you even do your homework and plan this through, bitch?"

Don't believe me? Look for yourselves, ladies and gentlemen.

Quote:Peter twists in an awkward way that Frodos's small penis breaks in half. Peter then takes the other half of the broken penis and shoves it down Frodo's throat. He then begins to kick Frodo so hard his own steel toed boot goes up Frodo's ass! HIS BOOT IS IN HIS ASS!!! Peter then removes the boot and then puts it in Frodo's mouth. THAT SIC FUCK!! Peter laughs as Frodo is choking on his own shit that is on Peter's boot. Peter then stops and then walks away.

Look at how easy it was for me to fight off my attacker. Compare that to when John Madison broke into my backdoor with the crowbar. I was in such bad shape that Rose Smith had to step in and beat his ass for me. I was crushed; mentally and physically. But when Frodo did his thing, look at how I reacted to the situation. When I felt his balls rubbing up against me, I swung my hips around so fast that it chopped Frodo's dick in half. Is that something that a rape victim with a painful feeling in their ass could perform? Don't be fucking stupid and answer yes like I imagine Frodo will just so he can continue to live out his fantasy about me. Sure, a rape victim could probably twist so hard that it would cause some injuries to the attacker's penis, but cutting it in half? That's unheard of unless there's someone out there with razor blades embedded in their anus. Sorry, but I do not have a serrated asshole. But I'm getting off track here. So after I cut Frodo's dick in half with the strength of my ass, I proceeded to shove that half of the penis down Frodo's throat and forced my steel toed boot up his ass. And then I took that same boot and forced it down Frodo's mouth!

So what did we learn here? We learned that Frodo is incapable of raping the real Peter Gilmour. We learned that although he can try as much as he wants to, it will always end in him getting his ass kicked. Just look at the footage. He came at me, got his ass handed to him, and then remained silent. Silent because he couldn't remove the dick and boot that I forced down his throat.

We'll see if that fool tries the same thing next Monday. If he does, I will retaliate with the same violence that put him down the first time.

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