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Has Been - Prof. Bobby Bourbon - 06-28-2017
Cadryn Tiberius recently cut a scathing docudrama detailing how funny he was while not being funny whatsoever, and how much respect he is due in the XWF because he is due respect, claiming to be a legend in the process of telling the whole universe Robbie Bourbon is a legend.
Not his best work in terms of comedy, but hey, maybe he's just warming up. Maybe he'll be funny next time.
HAS BEEN
We open to see Robbie Bourbon alone in the dojo, sitting in the corner of his ring. He's wearing a cute pink chiffon sweater and yoga pants, and the business end of a mop is atop his mask, tied back and sideways in a ponytail. Imagine Bailey from WWE only scarring to look at.
"Wonder when Cadryn is going to come back with something huge." The world goes dull as we are privy to the inside thoughts of Robbie Alphabet Bourbon. Alphabet is his middle name, because any initial could be a cool pun. "I mean, yeah, the guy's a goofy idiot, but he's a lot of fun to watch. Hell, it's the main reason I was so excited to face the guy. Sure, a shot at the Hart Championship is one hell of an honor, but I'm just coming back, I'm busy doing my thing with BWP and cleaning house as the Motherfuckers, my body might wear down pretty fast again if I go at that kind of rate." Robbie scratches his ass. "But, I think the guy is a total nut job. I saw his last promo. Not at all what I expected. It's a shame, Cadryn can be the most entertaining and funny guy to watch in the XWF sometimes, but sometimes, he's just batshit insane. The sad thing is Thomas Nixon tried to echo him in his promo, and sounded just as batshit."
"For starters, he was talking about the cage match where I busted him up." Robbie stands up and leans against the top rope, stretching his back. "He thinks he was defending Graves. That's an interesting way of looking at it. Not a very funny one. Batshit. I was facing Graves, one on one, in a cage match, in one of my first Hart Title defenses. Graves was getting his shot at the title. Cadryn inserted himself in a cage match. He wasn't defending his friend, he was interfering in my match. Putting him in the hospital for his efforts wasn't disrespectful, it's what any hot blooded American would do naturally against some injustice. Just lookit what me and Pig did to the Kings last Saturday. Two of us. Hot fucking justice being dispensed." Robbie climbs out of the ring. "Their actions earned them their beating. Even Theo agrees, it's why he's saying I should stop and not do it again instead of seething and feeling something like a backbone telling him to do something about it. It's why Cadryn is telling me I'm a friend, his pal, his buddy, a legend." Robbie takes a deep breath. "He knows he didn't earn my respect by being a sneaky shit and making attempts at stealing a championship from me. Guess it's time to try another route."
Robbie walks over to a jump rope sitting on the floor. He picks it up, and gingerly starts to skip rope. After stopping to remove the mop from his face a few times, he pulls it off. "Stupid thing. I was really hoping to have some fun with that, but Cadryn seems to have put being Miss America off for the time being. I even gave him fuel for the idea when I mentioned how he was a sex slave to the Kings. Yeah, I know a lot of people make use of gay slander around here, but I wasn't just saying he was gay for the Kings." Robbie starts skipping rope again. "I said he was their bitch. Huge difference right there. Hell, it's pride month, a few of my students said they were impressed with the fact I was willing to show up to a match in drag to promote equality and show that having a non-heterosexual lifestyle didn't mean weakness. Submission, on the other hand, does mean weakness. Alluding to the fact Cadryn Tiberius became an ass kisser using colorful language isn't typical homophobic slander, it's the truth. Maybe I use too much metaphor and it went over the poor guy's head. I remember Lethal Lottery. It was a time where I was just showing up to XWF events and beating someone's ass come hell or high water. Eventually, that took it's toll on me, physically, mentally, and hell, I even coughed up the Hart Championship to the talentless hack known as Robert Main. Fucking legendary, right there." Robbie looks intently as he skips rope. A snarl crosses his face. "I am no legend, never claimed to be. I wake up every morning, have my coffee, take a shit, have a little breakfast, then get to work, like anybody else. I go out and earn what I want in this life. I don't get it handed to me. Not like Cadryn did at Lethal Lottery. When I was handed a shitty partner that I had historically terrible chemistry with in Scully, I didn't expect a bye. I didn't expect to get another chance in the next round. Lucky for Cadryn, though, he was handed a pass to continue. He got lucky. Well, no, he didn't. He got given a chance by Vinnie Lane. Not the Kings, not his own hard work, but the guy Cadryn wants to paint as corrupt, the guy Cadryn wants to help destroy and bury in some vault so the XWF will never utter his name again, Vinnie Fucking Lane, a man I do respect as much as I'll bust his balls. That's delusional. That's batshit. That's contemptible. I guess since I can't respect that, Cadryn'll treat my sphincter like a Tootsie Roll Pop and see how many licks it takes to get to the center. Maybe if he kisses my ass hard enough, I'll respect him like the Kings do."
Robbie drops the rope. He walks around and reaches under his ring. He pulls out a log. Simply a huge piece of wood. He pulls off the pink chiffon sweater, showing his massive, bulbous, powerful trunk. He hoists the piece of wood up onto his shoulders, and starts to run around the dojo in a circuit.
"Fucking Danny Sex. Cadryn lost to him? I was unconscious, some foreign body had taken over my body, and I still managed to beat Cadryn even though I was out of it? Man. I will admit, I didn't research a god damned thing. Why the fuck would I? I'm a wrestler, I'm going out to Warfare to engage in hand to hand combat of the most freestyle possible way. I'm not going out to deliver a TED talk about the mating habits of koala bears and how that impacts the Ming Dynasty. I'm not going to give a dissertation to the U.N. on a way to solve the global water crisis. I'm going to punch some guy, get hit in the jaw myself, and settle shit with a fucking fight. Everybody has a plan until they get hit in the mouth." Robbie stops, and starts to backpedal around the dojo with the log on his shoulders. "Plus, eidetic memory. I remember everything. Well, at least what I need or want to. Why make a plan? Why research? I have ways to prepare for what's to come, that's to be sure. No reason to think I can just waddle out to the parade float, lift a butt cheek, throw a fart, and walk away a champion. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. I need to be ready for Cadryn to be anything but the Cadryn I've seen every time I've seen Cadryn in a ring. I need to be ready to face any kind of challenge. Even the self imposed kind. The greatest enemy I have to overcome out there isn't just Cadryn, but myself. I have to avoid embarrassing BWP. I have to avoid embarrassing my country. I have to avoid embarrassing my girlfriend. Most importantly, I need to avoid embarrassing myself like I did in the past. The good thing is, it's my past to reconcile, not anybody else's. Cadryn can come up with whatever story he wants to tell himself about the history between us. He can make claims about my falling down. He can tell the world about how impressive his past is, about how he's gone to the limit with the gamut of XWF superstars. He still hasn't done a damn thing I can see that tells me he's earned a fucking shred of my respect. Coming out and saying why he should have it won't do it. Coming out and telling me he respects me won't secure it. If Cadryn Tiberius wants my respect, he's going to have to earn it. How can he do that? If he beats me in a match, it won't matter. I'll still come forward and point out the fact he's a bitch boy to Louis D'Ville at best, and even snow falls in San Diego, so anything can happen at least once. Maybe if Cadryn comes forward and tells the truth, lets the world know the only reason he's siding up to the Kings is because Vinnie got tired of coddling him through his career and instead thought he should earn something for himself. Cadryn even believes that Theo Pryce, majority owner of the XWF, has no hand in the production and matchmaking of Savage?" Robbie smirks. "Maybe he was kind of funny. Theo has the power to make a match happen with a phone call. He has the capability to altar one if he wishes. You think Vinnie is corrupt? Power corrupts, and Cadryn Tiberius just gravitates towards power. Does that mean anything? I don't know."
Robbie drops the log in the hair salon. "I'm fucking tired. I feel beat, and drained. One of the students can pick that up. I need some rest for my matches. Can't overdo any of this. I'll wind up deflated, empty."
We hear the door to the dojo open as we leave the confines of Robbie's head.
Hey, we're closed.
I do not care, Robert.
I do, get out, I want to go to sleep.
No. You need to train.
The camera spins and shows the figure of a man walking into view. He's older, probably in his mid-fifties, but looks like he's in incredible shape.
Look, I don't know who you are...
I am Carlos.
Carlos, look, get the fuck out of here now. Come back tomorrow when...
Tomorrow will be too late, Robert.
Stop calling me that!
No.
Well, whatever, fuck off before I chuck you out of here like you were a bag of day old garbage!
I thought you were a man of the people, Robert.
I am!
No. You are not, Robert. Not at all. You have lost the people. They've moved on. You see, the people do not have the faith in you they once did. The people want someone they can depend on, someone they can rely on. You are making a sideshow mockery of the Hart Championship by insisting you fight for it in drag, by outright disrespecting your opponent, by not giving any credence to what it means to be a champion anymore. You used to have that. You used to be a strong fighter. Now, you are a has been.
Hey now! I was being mind controlled...
You never would have been in that state if you had shown any kind of grace or care for the people and being the champion they needed and deserved. Deserved, Robert. Don't you recall what that word means? Do you think you deserve to be a champion?
Well...
No, you do not. You are out of shape.
Oh, come on, it's a power gut, I just spent the last hour and a half working out.
Your spirit is out of shape, Robert. You've lost your touch, your edge, and your will to compete. You've become complacent with your name and achievements. Your partner hasn't. It's one good thing, you seem to have bolstered his spirits, and now he fights harder than ever. You, on the other hand, only seem to care when he's involved.
Pig's a good man, he deserves a strong partner.
And what of you? What do you deserve, Robert?
Robbie casts his eyes to the floor.
You do not even know anymore. Come, we must go.
Where are you taking him?
We hear the voice of Blue come from the top of a staircase in the dojo. Carlos looks up and smiles.
Hello. I promise you, I mean you nor your lover any harm.
I just got him back. I don't want him gone.
You do not sense it? You do not notice it? Don't you see that something has changed Robert in very bad ways?
No! He's wonderful, he's my baby! He's tearing up the tag team division with Bearded War Pig, the Motherfuckers are one of the most incredible teams to ever show up in the XWF, and what's more, he finally has a partner he can rely on in the ring.
He needs to rely on himself. Only then can he have the people back.
Well, why does he need...
Robbie looks up at Blue.
Honey, I know this sounds crazy, but I'm going out the door with this stranger. His name is Carlos. He's right. I have you. I have Pig. I have my Bourbon men. I do not, however, have the spirit of the people behind me. I feel busted inside still, spent, lost. Like I can't hold myself to the standards I used to. I feel like I'm walking into a trap at Warfare, like Rocky in Rocky, Rocky III, or Apollo in Rocky IV, or Rocky again in Rocky VI.
You hate the Rocky movies though!
Shhh, don't tell Robo-Rob, it'll give him a complex.
Honey!
Blue storms down the stairs in her pajamas. She walks up to Robbie and grabs his hand.
I love you. I don't want you to go out and do something drastic.
I need something drastic.
Robbie turns to Carlos.
I deserve something drastic.
He turns back to Blue. She looks less than pleased.
I love you too. I don't feel like I'm the man you deserve right now. I need to find myself again. I need to find that drive, that hunger, that will to go out there and fucking win and wreck and not just be a caricature of myself.
Blue squeezes Robbie's hand.
But I love your bluster. It's cute.
It's not championship calibre. Not anymore.
I need to find some substance.
Robbie releases Blue's hand. Blue calls out to Carlos.
Where are you taking him?
Oh, to my place across the street.
The dry cleaner's?
Yes.