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X-treme Wrestling Federation »   » Archives » Relentless Day 1 RP Board 2021
The Eulogy of Billy Blankenship
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Freddy Fabulous
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#1
09-20-2021, 10:31 AM

The doors of Bonkerz Comedy Club in Daytona Beach fly open from the inside as dozens of patrons are sent hurrying out.

Behind them customers, the fearsome foursome of The Disintigrators and Fabmongous can be seen pushing and shoving the last few stragglers out the door.

“Out you go, punk! This is the property of the FAB FIVE for as long as we want it!”

Dave Mustang shouts as he pushes a Jimmy Durante lookalike out the door.

“GET STEPPIN’ GRANNY!!!”

Echoes Johnny Steele, putting a boot to the backside of an old woman and kick-pushing her out of the venue.

After everyone is cleared out, Mustang, Steele, Big Preesh, and BMI take seats in the front row, just as the curtain on the small stage opens.

Out from behind the curtain, dressed in a snazzy three piece suit bedazzled with glittering red, white, and blue sequins, walks the eponym of the Fab Five himself, Freddy Fabulous.

Freddy grabs a mic off the stand in the middle of the stage, and waves.

“Well, well, well, packed house we have here tonight! Let me tell you all… I just flew in from Baltimore, and BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED!”

The four big men holler with laughter in their seats, slapping their thighs and whistling.

“You see everyone… Billy Blankenship apparently thinks that a fight can be prepared for with a stand up comedy act. He’s more suited to a career in vaudeville than in the ring. Which might be good for him, come Relentless, because I plan on picking the man up by the scruff of his neck and tossing him into the front row like he was a young Buster Keaton. Here’s a few zingers about Billy that might give you more entertainment value than anything he’s had to say in the months he’s been in the XWF. Upon perusing Blankenship’s biography, you might be inclined to believe him when he says he’s barely over the age of 35. If that were true, though, it would be 35 years of Twinkies and Mountain Dew from the time he was in diapers. The man has the complexion to make it big someday, but only in Madame Tussaud’s. One afternoon with Billy proves his claim to be a lie - the man was clearly born when abortions were still illegal. This is easily verified by the sort of hairline that can only be given with a wire hanger. Legend has it that Missus Blankenship was originally pregnant with twins, which would explain why Billy has the personality of an absorbed fetus… and also his two superfluous nipples.”

That one really gets to Dave Mustang, who stands up and claps both hands to his thighs.

“GOT damn, you are a comedic genius Freddy!”

Freddy shoots Dave a pair of finger guns and continues.

“Let me explain to you good people at home what you’re going to see at Relentless Noir. What you’re going to see is a bonafide stud named Freddy Fabulous enter a ring against a man made of vanilla pudding. A man who hasn’t lifted a finger to do anything other than stick said finger up his cornhole while wearing women’s panties. A man who considers himself in shape because an oval is technically a shape. A man who is so pale under his shirt…”

Johnny Steele stands with his hands around his mouth.

“HOW PALE IS HE!?!?!”

“He’s SO pale, that the pasty white skin of his face is actually the darkest part of him. He defies the physics of the farmer’s tan, ladies and gentlemen, and is somehow even whiter when you get him down to his skivvies… which is precisely what is going to happen to him at Relentless, so I recommend bringing one of those little boxes children use when they want to look at an eclipse without burning their retinas. These poor people are going to go snowblind once Billy Blenkenship’s C-cups come tumbling out of his man girdle en route to being left standing in nothing more than the drawers he stole from Atara Themis’ locker room and the butt plug he shipped overnight after snapping the last one clean in half from clenching hard enough to get to his patented soprano shriek for his promos. LET ME BE CRYSTAL CLEAR - what you are going to witness at Relentless is not a fair fight. It is not a contest between equals. It is myself, a thoroughbred, a product of the perfect symbiosis between breeding and training, squaring off against a creature who will certainly be announced as residing underneath a bridge, who is 50% hot air, 50% ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter,’ and 100% jackass. It is going to be like a farmer leading his obese, broken horse into a field behind the barn to euthanize it. Now considering that Billy’s mother answered to the name of ‘Daisy’ and wore a bell around her neck, he should be damn familiar with that metaphor. Hit me, Preesh.”

Big Preesh opens up the soft cooler slung over his shoulder and pulls out a Pamplemousse-flavored can of La Croix and underhanded it to Freddy, who catches, opens, and takes a sip from it.

“Billy, at Relentless your dreams will come true. You get to be flipped, stripped, and violated by a bigger, better man. Then afterwards hopefully the Can-Jap Connection will see for themselves you have nothing to offer them other than your hands in their pockets and a big L on their record. Dave and Johnny, say hi.”

The Disintigrators wave with smiles on their faces. On stage, Freddy crinkles up his now empty can.

“And now? The jokes are over. Let’s go to work. Billy, like you always say...”

"Thank you."

"FUCK YOU!!!"

"Bye-bye."

He throws the empty can onto the stage floor and hops down into the front row as his clients stand and flank him on either side. Together, the Fab 5 head for the door as the scene cuts.
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[-] The following 5 users Like Freddy Fabulous's post:
"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (09-20-2021), ALIAS (09-23-2021), Dolly Waters (09-20-2021), JimCaedus (09-20-2021), Theo Pryce (09-21-2021)




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